A MAN who fears he has a small penis should be more concerned about how much of a twat he is, his friends believe.
Martin Bishop, 36, has spent so long preoccupied by the dimensions of his knob he has failed to notice the more pressing issue of being a complete arsehole.
Bishop said: “Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been afraid women might point and laugh when I drop my trousers, or say, ‘Haha, no but seriously, where’s the rest of it?’
“That’s never actually happened, but I do feel I need a big penis like a porn star, or ideally a horse. Just for my peace of mind and to make me irresistible to women, all of whom are obsessed with big dicks.”
Friend Jordan Gardner said: “Knob size really isn’t the first issue that arises when finding a partner. Whether it’s as long as a javelin or as short as a Freddo, he’s still a boring moron who recommends books like Alan Sugar’s autobiography.
“None of his exes have mentioned a miniature cock. What they have mentioned is him watching GB News and making ‘amusing’ comments about his farts. Why am I friends with him, again?”
Bishop’s ex-girlfriend Ellie Shaw said: “I didn’t split up with Martin because I found someone with a bigger schlong, which is quite insulting to me, actually. I left him because he used to call me ‘hot tits’.
“Rest assured there’s always a massive dick when Martin’s around.”