Man concerned about penis size forgets to worry about entire personality

A MAN who fears he has a small penis should be more concerned about how much of a twat he is, his friends believe.

Martin Bishop, 36, has spent so long preoccupied by the dimensions of his knob he has failed to notice the more pressing issue of being a complete arsehole.

Bishop said: “Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been afraid women might point and laugh when I drop my trousers, or say, ‘Haha, no but seriously, where’s the rest of it?’

“That’s never actually happened, but I do feel I need a big penis like a porn star, or ideally a horse. Just for my peace of mind and to make me irresistible to women, all of whom are obsessed with big dicks.”

Friend Jordan Gardner said: “Knob size really isn’t the first issue that arises when finding a partner. Whether it’s as long as a javelin or as short as a Freddo, he’s still a boring moron who recommends books like Alan Sugar’s autobiography.

“None of his exes have mentioned a miniature cock. What they have mentioned is him watching GB News and making ‘amusing’ comments about his farts. Why am I friends with him, again?”

Bishop’s ex-girlfriend Ellie Shaw said: “I didn’t split up with Martin because I found someone with a bigger schlong, which is quite insulting to me, actually. I left him because he used to call me ‘hot tits’. 

“Rest assured there’s always a massive dick when Martin’s around.”

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Northerner would prefer his tapas on one plate, please

A DINER from Leeds has told his waitress he does not wish to scavenge around the table and would like all his tapas served together on a large warm plate. 

Joe Turner visited Bravas in the city centre and observed other customers being brought multiple plates with small amounts of food on each, which he immediately commented ‘will be a bugger to wash up’.

Waitress Lucy Parry said: “He asked me ‘what’s all this about small plates, love? I want a bloody big plate for these prices.’

“I explained we serve tapas in the traditional Spanish style with a number of dishes brought separately for diners to combine as they chose, and he said that didn’t work for him.

“I told him the fun of tapas is that you can have a little bit of everything and share food around. He looked like I’d shot his dog and asked ‘If my main course is just lots of starters, what do I have for starters?’”

Turner said: “A Sunday roast doesn’t come on separate plates. It comes inside a massive Yorkshire pudding, and you eat that and all, because that’s value.”