Boston, Massachusetts vs Boston, Lincolnshire: which is best?

AMERICANS believe their country is blessed by God, but how does it match up in a straight head-to-head? We put two Bostons up against each other to find out: 


Boston, USA: With an estimated population of 666,783, the 21st most populous city in America would seem to have it on the numbers.

Boston, UK: A manageable population of just 66,500 – less than ten per cent of its larger cousin – makes the smaller Boston easy to get around, friendlier, and less overwhelming. It’s a win!

US 0 – UK 1


Boston, US: The home of the bar from Cheers, where everybody knows your name. But what if you want a quiet pint without people badgering you and Carla’s wisecracks?

Boston, UK: Has a Wetherspoons called the Moon Under Water, like 13 other Wetherspoons throughout the country, guaranteeing the kind of peaceful anonymity real drinkers crave. They won’t know your name here even if you tell them.

US 0 – UK 2


US: Has the Boston Red Sox, the Celtics, the Bruins and the New England Patriots, not one of which plays a proper sport ordinary people can enjoy. There’s also the Boston Marathon.

UK: Not one but two non-league football teams, a rugby team, bowls, sailing and swimming clubs. The weekly Park Run is held 51 more times a year than the Boston Marathon and is only 12 per cent as long so can be finished quicker.

US 0 – UK 3


US: Famous for lobster, clam and cod, all of which quite frankly stink and taste unpleasantly fishy.

UK: Despite being on the coast Bostonians eschew seafood in favour of fast food. The town enjoys the highest obesity rate in the country, with a third of adults classed as obese, so it’s easy to feel slim and attractive here.

US 0 – UK 4


US: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Leonard Nimoy, Edward Norton, Uma Thurman, Stephen Tyler and Mark Wahlberg, among others, are all from Boston.

UK: With only Covid spokesman Sir Jonathan Van-Tam, the Yanks just about edge a win here.

US 1 – UK 4

F**king stupid political gestures in the name of independence

US: In 1773, the Sons of Liberty, disguised as native Americans, threw an entire shipment of tea into Boston harbour and sparked the American Revolution, which even ardent supporters will have to admit hasn’t worked out well.

UK: In 2016 the brave people of the real Boston stood up to be counted and voted in massive numbers to leave the EU, with 75 per cent of voters making it the most Brexity town in Britain. And seven years later, with Britain thriving, they are honoured as heroes.

US 1 – UK 5


A humiliating trouncing for the inferior US Boston, scoring one pathetic point on a technicality while Lincolnshire’s finest romps home with an emphatic win.

Next week: which is the best Sydney, the Australian one or the area of north-western Crewe near the Grand Junction retail park?

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Can Scotland beat England without talismanic striker Nicola Sturgeon?

SCOTLAND face England tonight in a friendly, but do they have any chance of winning now their talismanic striker Nicola Sturgeon has retired? 

On paper they should give England a game. They’ve won five of five qualifying matches and hope to give the Auld Enemy a bloody nose. But it’s also the first time since 2014 they’ve played them without Sturgeon leading the line.

Taking over seamlessly from midfield maestro Salmond, Sturgeon put the fear of God into the English. The tiny dynamo was everywhere, stealing balls from counterattacks, popping up in the heart of defence, nipping in at the far post to score.

Who can forget when she nutmugged Rooney? How she ran rings around Maguire? That power header past Pickford at Wembley?

The England team couldn’t touch her. She only had to direct one of her mazy runs toward them and you’d see panic rise in their throats. Kyle Walker admitted he still wakes up sweating.

But since she unexpectedly retired earlier this year, and the subsequent financial investigations into her husband and manager, Scotland have lost their mojo. Not wanting to distract, she won’t even be at Hampden tonight.

Scotland will mourn her. Until she inevitably pops up on Match of the Day next to Alan Shearer slagging off Chelsea’s defence.