TV COOK Nigella Lawson is possessed by a demon, it has emerged.
Vatican experts were called in after Nigella baked half a lettuce while staring vacantly and talking in a sensual yet strangely emotionless voice.
Priest Tom Logan said: “Nigella is under the control of an incubus, a biblical sex demon that lures men with the unspoken promise of depraved acts.
“Males find her hypnotic, which is why she gets away with recipes like ‘some rice with bits of avocado on it’ and ‘toasted toast’.”
“You can’t see her feet in the programme, but she actually hovers around the kitchen. If she wants something off a high shelf she just levitates to get it.
“We gave her a glass of lemon grass cordial with holy water in it and it made her cough fire.”
He added: “Do not enter her massive kitchen with out-of-focus things in the foreground. It is a place of evil.”
Viewer Stephen Malley said: “I tell myself I only watch the programme from a position of masochistic class envy, but she talks to me in my sleep, telling me to do weird, wrong things.
“Like baking half a lettuce.”