Blackburn appoints Lambert out of spite

BLACKBURN Rovers has hired Paul Lambert as manager to teach ungrateful supporters a lesson.

Rovers fans have been vocal in their criticism of the club’s board, and managing director Derek Shaw admitted that the deliberate infliction of Lambert is all about revenge.

Shaw said: “I’ve had it up to here with those bastards and their pie-in-the-sky demands. If they want to boo, we’ll give them something to boo.

“Let’s see how they like it when they’ve watched their nineteenth consecutive nil-nil draw. They’ll be begging to have Steve Kean back.”

Lambert said: “The best attack is a good defence, and the best defence is also a good defence. We’ll be trying to lull other teams to sleep through a combination of our tactics and my soft but depressing voice.

“It’s vitally important the fans make no sudden cheering noises, but I don’t think that will be a problem when they see the signings I’ve got lined up.” 

Blackburn fan Joseph Turner said: “Watching a Lambert team is a real education, in the sense that you feel like you’re in a geography lesson that’s never going to end.”

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Northern Powerhouse relocated to London

THE best place for the ‘Northern Powerhouse’ scheme is probably in London after all, the government has announced.

The massive investment project for Northern business and infrastructure will now take place in the capital instead, making it easier for government ministers to visit and find a decent restaurant.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “Improving the North would only have made it slightly less shit, but if we spend the money on London it will become even more amazing with moving pavements and a Jamie Oliver restaurant on every corner.

“We won’t need all those new rail links now because Northerners just need a tram to go to the bingo.”

He added: “The Northern Powerhouse would have been wasted on Northerners.”

Hull resident Tom Logan said: “This is a real blow for Northerners like me. I’m only a part-time toilet cleaner, so it would have been a real status boost to clean bogs in a Powerhouse.”