Nobody genuinely likes olives

EVERY olive is to be made into oil after it was confirmed that nobody enjoys eating them.

For centuries, people have swallowed the toxic pellets in a bid to appear more sophisticated and desirable.

But the conspiracy of silence ended on Saturday when a Carlisle man spat one out at a party and demanded to know why they should be classed as food.

Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve done some research and apparently pigs won’t even eat them, presumably because they’re not trying to get laid.”

He added: “Did you know it takes two months worth of preparation to get olives to taste like that? That’s literally as good as they get, and they still taste like armpits.”

With the tyranny of olives now ended, people are coming forward to denounce other popular foodstuffs, with many asking ‘why marzipan?’ and ‘is blue cheese a dare that got out of hand?’.