Nobody genuinely likes olives

EVERY olive is to be made into oil after it was confirmed that nobody enjoys eating them.

For centuries, people have swallowed the toxic pellets in a bid to appear more sophisticated and desirable.

But the conspiracy of silence ended on Saturday when a Carlisle man spat one out at a party and demanded to know why they should be classed as food.

Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve done some research and apparently pigs won’t even eat them, presumably because they’re not trying to get laid.”

He added: “Did you know it takes two months worth of preparation to get olives to taste like that? That’s literally as good as they get, and they still taste like armpits.”

With the tyranny of olives now ended, people are coming forward to denounce other popular foodstuffs, with many asking ‘why marzipan?’ and ‘is blue cheese a dare that got out of hand?’.

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Joggers have own class system

AMATEUR runners have their own rigid class system, it has emerged.

Joggers admitted operating a strict hierarchical system based on factors including fitness, attractiveness and footwear, with interaction between the groups implicitly forbidden.

Receptionist Nikki Hollis said: “As a ‘competent’, I think lower-class ‘wheezer’ joggers should have separate jogging areas – maybe in disused factories – so they don’t obstruct the pavement with their plodding, slovenly gaits.

“I don’t like these super-fit ‘challenger’ joggers with their poncey 100km races either. We should have a jogging revolution and make the stuck-up bastards wear really cheap trainers.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I can do four miles at a reasonable pace without flailing my arms around like a jellyfish, which makes me the jogging equivalent of lower middle-class.

“However it also means I’m superior to lower-class joggers, such as middle-aged housewives going really slowly in their pink tracksuits and people who have to keep stopping and walking for a bit.

“It makes me sad that that I can never be exercise buddies with the athletic blonde woman who keeps overtaking me on my run, but no one ever said jogging was fair.”