Syria same

SYRIANS are having a typical Monday, it has been confirmed.

For the 244th Monday in a row, the middle eastern country was awoken by the sound of explosions, before being oppressed by a range of maniacs.

Adnan, from Raqqa, said: “We live in a bit that’s controlled by Islamic State. So it will be a few bombs, a power cut and someone being thrown off a building because he looks a bit gay.

“The rest of the week is broadly similar.”

He added: “It’s okay, you get used to it. Then again, if someone, somewhere feels like sorting it the fuck out, that would be excellent.”

Yana, from Aleppo, said: “So I watched Groundhog Day. Funny. And I could relate to it even though it’s Bill Murray trying to woo Andie Macdowell in a small town in Pennsylvania, rather than raising three kids in a hellhole.

“I’d like to mix things up a bit, but that would involve travelling a thousand miles and then having to prove that me and my children are not psychopaths.

“Maybe Thursday.”

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Food good for you

FOOD may be less harmful than previously thought, it has been claimed.

New research has challenged the widely held belief that all food either triggers cancer, accelerates ageing or instantly gives you a massive arse.

Biologist Helen Archer said: “Contrary to popular belief, food contains nutrients that are beneficial to the human body. It may even be that hunger is our body’s way of encouraging us to eat food, rather than being a moral flaw.”

Archer’s experiment involved two groups of humans, one of which was allowed to eat food while the other could not.

“After 48 hours group B – the no food group – was clearly lagging in test activities like running up hills. They also reported feeling generally unhappy.

“This could turn everything we know about food on its head.”

43-year-old Norman Steele said: “I’ve always suspected that food might not be all bad.

“However I will continue to ‘fast’ at weekends because of some bullshit I read about cavemen.”