BREAKING up was a good idea but leaving a load of stuff at their place wasn’t. Here are the items you’re going to have to get back.
Favourite band t-shirt
It cost a fortune and was your pride and joy until your girlfriend commandeered it to sleep in. At least now you’ll be spared the unsettling experience of looking at Liam and Noel during foreplay.
Toothbrush
Electric with a new head, and you’re not giving him the satisfaction of having a spare Braun to clean his football boots with. You’ll make him bring it round so you don’t have an uncontrollable urge to clean and disinfect the bathroom.
Aftershave
That bottle of your favourite aftershave might have been a gift from your girlfriend but ownership has passed to you. Also if you leave it some future bloke might splash it on while feeling smugly pleased about getting a shag. You would.
Fancy drink container
One of many vessels you own that have a triple-lock, anti-leak device and easy suck mechanism. It’s wasted on him because it’s unlikely the dense bastard will ever work out how to open it.
Underwear
You’re having paranoid thoughts about your ex getting up to sordid antics with your underwear. Once you get it back you’ll be torn between a boil wash and burning it.
Cooking implements
Over time you’ve ended up buying quite a few handy cooking items for use at her place. Retrieving them might look petty, but you should go over. Getting back your garlic press AND having a ‘for old times’ sake’ shag would be a pretty cool afternoon.
Yoga mat
Your ex will no doubt come knocking for her yoga mat before her next session, as she spent a ridiculous amount of money it. You briefly feel sad while remembering her doing the downward-facing dog on it.
Ornaments
Your ex is probably going to want back the handful of ornaments she tried to spruce up your miserable man-cave with. Frankly you’ll miss these feminine touches. They made good paperweights and that clown figurine was a great target for bogeys.
Books
In typical girly fashion your ex cluttered up your flat with numerous self-help and personal growth books both for her and in the hope you’d read them. She’s welcome to those. Oh. She’s just texted to say she no longer needs them now she’s not going out with a wanker.
Trivial food item
Retrieving food items worth barely three quid can look tight, but you are. Unfortunately she interprets it as a desperate attempt to see her and get back together. It’s not. You just really like Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, the vain cow.
DVDs
Yeah it’s all streaming these days but you’re fond of your old DVDs, and you’ve left quite a few of your favourites at hers. She can f**k off and buy her own films if she wants another Predator marathon.
Sex toys
The various sex toys you and your ex experimented with have no use in his flat. You’re briefly concerned he may have used the dildo for his own purposes, but he’s not that sexually adventurous.
