Outrage as BBC stars are paid

THE UK is once again outraged to learn that stars of hugely successful BBC shows are paid actual money for their jobs.

The figures, included in the BBC’s annual report, have shocked regular viewers of popular BBC shows who assumed the stars they loved were better than that.

Sue Traherne of Colchester said: “It’s Zoe Ball that hurts the most. She’s so warm and friendly and down-to-earth in the mornings, then I discover she’s getting a million quid for it? Duplicitous bitch.

“I’d accept it if she was getting minimum wage or even something more generous, like 50p an hour on top. But this? I’m sure the other channels who want big names that viewers love just get them for free.”

Plasterer Joe Turner agreed: “The news is just what’s happening. It’s all out there for free. So why am I paying Huw Edwards four hundred grand a year to read it out?

“If he was on ITV, fair enough, they have adverts. But the BBC’s public service and I’m the public. Pay him nothing, and at the end of the year if we’ve liked the news we’ll pass the hat round.

“Also, it’s a f**king liberty that I’m paying Gary Lineker’s salary when I don’t like his politics. Next year if he’s not to the right of Mussolini he should get nothing.”

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How to be a climate change denier while sweating your bollocks off

FINDING temperatures in the mid-30s a bit much to deal with? Here climate change ‘skeptic’ Roy Hobbs explains why it’s completely fine and not at all worrying.

It’s perfect garden weather

What’s everyone moaning about? It’s lovely to stretch myself out on my crisp, yellowing front lawn to catch some rays. I did notice that next door’s car is stuck to the tarmac on their drive and all the flowers in my garden are shrivelled husks, but it’s a price worth paying for a decent summer.

The same happened in 1976

Look, there was a heatwave in 1976 when the temperature got up to 35C, so what’s the problem? They didn’t say it was climate change then, we just accepted the arid riverbeds and the 20 per cent ‘excess’ deaths and played Swingball, if we didn’t pass out. Why can’t people lighten up and have a nice time nowadays?

It saves going on holiday

Why spend £500 on a holiday abroad when you can take the week off work and spend it fighting people for a tiny patch of beach in the UK, before bathing in the sea that’s been pumped full of human shit? It’s ideal for me because I can get pissed and sunburnt without having to eat foreign food.

I enjoy feeling lightheaded and irritable

A little bit of heatstroke never did anyone any harm, apart from the people who die from it, and I actually like feeling dizzy and confused. It’s like being drunk but without having to shell out for a six-pack of Carling. I’m someone who loves to live on the wild side, so getting short of breath and feeling as if I’m going to pass out is enjoyable for me, honestly.

Only snowflakes can’t handle it

Ultimately, the only people who aren’t tough enough to hack a heatwave are namby-pamby liberal climate-obsessed tree huggers. Why don’t they all piss off to Scotland where it’s cooler and leave sweaty, boiling England to me and my fellow red-faced brethren?