The grassroots Tory's list of non-bigoted reasons for not backing Sunak

ARE you a Tory party member who’s not keen on Rishi Sunak for a certain reason that’s unacceptable these days? Here’s why you’ll be voting for someone else.

He’s too good-looking 

As the newspapers never tire of telling us, Sunak is incredibly good-looking. However we need a PM who won’t distract his colleagues with his male beauty. The last thing you need during a discussion about weapons for Ukraine is Nadine Dorries fainting or Therese Coffey having a screaming orgasm.

Liz Truss is extremely talented 

Truss has ‘prime ministerial material’ written all over her. She can pretend to be a fighter pilot, she’s committed to Brexit after changing her mind, and if we need someone to lead the fight against cheese imports, Liz wouldn’t hesitate to deploy the SAS with a shoot-to-kill policy against French cheesemakers.

It’s a very strong field 

There’s Penny Mordaunt, who made that hilarious ‘cock’ speech, Jeremy Hunt with his clever strategy of being less rancid than the others, and Suella Braverman, allegedly a qualified barrister. To name but a few. If Sunak doesn’t get your vote, it’s the stiff competition, not because he reminds you of a Muslim coming over here with their smelly food and Sharia law.

He’s used to better things

Sunak and his wife are fantastically wealthy, with numerous luxury homes. Moving to 10 Downing Street would be like living in a cramped, filthy Sunderland council house with a vicious staffie shitting everywhere. To his refined tastes, the best meals from the No. 10 kitchens would taste like a Rustlers microwave chicken burger. Yes, becoming PM wouldn’t be fair on Rishi.

It’s good to back the underdog

Sunak is way ahead in terms of parliamentary party backers, but there’s nothing more British than backing the underdog. What if you want to vote for Kemi Badenoch, who will definitely lose? Not that you will because in your book she might be a pot-smoking Rastafarian.

He’s too clever

Rishi clearly knows a thing or two, having made millions on a stock market bet that contributed to taxpayers bailing out the banks in 2008. Britain prefers a gifted amateur. Or just an amateur. Look how Boris kept us laughing during Covid. Sunak just isn’t the sort of totally inept clown every nation needs in a time of crisis. 

You can’t wank over Rishi

The leadership contest still features some top totty for Tory men of a certain age. With sirens like Mordaunt, Dorries and Esther McVeigh (promised the deputy PM job by Hunt) at the top level of government, every trip to the garden shed with your Daily Mail will be a sexual adventure.

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Eating, sleeping, and breathing: five things you're doing wrong according to your partner

YOU naively imagine you mastered the basic functions of life as a child, but in the view of your live-in partner you’re wrong. These issues must be addressed: 

Eating

Whether it’s too loud, too fast or in an illogical order, the method by which you put basic nutrients in your mouth just isn’t cutting it. Also you hold a fork like a baby and slurp your drink like a gelatinous creature from the depths of the ocean.

Watching TV

Did you look at your phone for a second during the show? Or do you not automatically put the subtitles on because you witlessly thought sound was audible? Well, then you’ve failed at the most basic of relaxing pastimes. Your partner’s enjoyment of Celebrity Gogglebox has been ruined forever by your viewing ineptitude.

Using the toilet

The side the toilet paper should hang is an issue that has divided households for centuries, and the way you’ve chosen is wrong. Also, you’re not placing the seat correctly and going at times they really don’t think should be necessary. Sort it out. Once you’ve apologised.

Sleeping

What you believe is like a cosy, comfortable sleeping position is viewed as an insult to the very art of sleeping by your partner. They shudder at your choice in pillows and treat the way you pull the duvet up to your chin as a war crime. You sleep their way or not at all.

Breathing

You breathe all day every day. So why can’t you breathe in a pleasant, understated way, rather than sounding like a snorting, snuffling, wildebeest has entered the room? Your smallest exhalation might as well be an audition to be the big bad wolf. Could you think about maybe stopping altogether?