The seven things you hate about your mate from school you can't dump

DO you have an unbreakable bond of friendship with a mate from school you can’t stand? This is how he’ll plague you until your dying day: 

He’s retained an encyclopaedic knowledge of school events

It’s a laugh to reminisce about oddball teachers with both sweat and anger management problems. Spending all night being told about Iain Bryce’s parents moving to Liverpool in 1985 or Sally Pearce taking the highly unusual step of having two kids, less so.

He still knows other twats from school

You never know the other person from school, who you barely remember and your mate was never particularly pally with, is going to be there until you arrive at the pub. And it’s a universal law that this person has become a frighteningly boring arsehole who bangs on for 90 minutes about their kids being good at hockey.

He reminds you of doomed teenage romances

Teenage crushes are embarrassing, unrequited love, unlistened-to mixtapes and unbearable poetry. You don’t need a friend reminding you that ‘you used to follow Rachel Smith round like a lovesick puppy. They’d call it stalking now. She saw you in Tesco last year and hid behind a postbox.’

He has strangely reactionary views

In the decades since school you did drugs and learned about the world. Your mate, by contrast, developed workplace-friendly conservative opinions. Labour? They’ll bankrupt the country. Transsexuals? Shouldn’t teach it to kiddies. All you can fathom is it’s an evolutionary thing to fit in with an office of lower-middle-class neo-Nazis.

He’s still got a creepy interest in fit teachers

You did your share of wanking over hot biology teacher Miss Dawes, but dredging her up 30 years later is weird. Does a fantasy from decades ago count for more than the actual relationships your mate has had? Apparently yes. And what of the lovely Miss Dawes? She’ll be old now, possibly dead. So granny porn at best and necrophilia at worst.

He sadistically brings up your past ambitions

Did you have a improbable ambition like going to film school or writing novels? Your mate revels in the hilarity of this as if you’d had an entirely serious plan to become Batman. Yes, it’s great nobody escapes the pit of job disappointment and boredom. Thanks for keeping me grounded, Dave.

He expects you to be always on call

You must always be available to entertain him if he’s at a loose end. Don’t fight it. Grit your teeth and spend an evening talking about when Dale Anderson fainted during cross-country running. Did you hear he’s moved three towns over now? Never would have expected that.

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Tory leadership candidates wishing they hadn't spent their whole lives being pricks to everybody

CONSERVATIVE leadership candidates who need 20 backers are regretting f**king over everyone they have ever met, it has emerged. 

Utter arseholes including Liz Truss, Nadhim Zahawi and Jeremy Hunt are desperately scrabbling around to find 20 colleagues who they have not laughed in the faces of while crippling their careers for fun.

Kemi Badenoch, member for Saffron Walden, said: “Shit. Bollocks. Nobody told me it was going to be a f**king popularity contest.

“Like literally the first thing I did when I got into the cabinet was call every single backbench rival I’d beaten to unleash a tirade of abuse about how I was going to make their lives hell. Those people are not proving receptive.

“I thought being an absolute twat to everyone was how you got ahead in politics. They should be nominating me based on how many people hate me. I’d be topping 80 by now.”

Grant Shapps, member for Welwyn Hatfield, agreed: “I’ve been in and out of the cabinet since 2010. You have no idea of the number of MPs whose careers have been kicked square in the nuts by me.

“Incredibly, it seems there are consequences to being a copper-bottomed bastard to everyone for more than 30 years. Even in the Tory party.”