Lionesses' 8-0 win would be front page news for whole year if men did it

ENGLAND’S record-breaking 8-0 win against Norway would be the headline of every newspaper for twelve months if it had been the men’s team.

Fans of the Lionesses are confused that last night’s delirious triumph has featured on precisely two front pages while if Gareth Southgate’s team had a comparable win it would be headline news until mid-2023.

Supporter Emma Bradford said: “Fair play to the Mirror and the i for giving our hammering of the Norwegians a small front-page mention, comparable to an actress wearing a dress. Thanks lads.

“But what the f**k are the rest of them playing at? The Guardian didn’t even cover it and they’re usually all over that shit.

“If Gareth Southgate’s boys had thrashed the dark horse favourites of the Euros then life on Mars wouldn’t bump them off the front page. There’d be rolling coverage like a Royal death. The goals montage would be playing on the inside of your eyelids.

“But the women’s team, who were forecast to win the whole bastard tournament even before this, are less newsworthy than Kylie being back on Neighbours. I can’t for the life of me figure out why that would be.”

Football fan Ryan Whittaker said: “This Lionesses’ win reminds me of when we destroyed Norway 1-0 in a 2014 friendly. Really impressive and I don’t think we talk about it enough.”

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Fans can't save you now, say scientists

A CHEAP electrical device stirring air about is not going to stop anyone being very hot, scientists have confirmed. 

Research has found that a standard oscillating fan fails to reduce heat levels below disgusting, cooling only the equivalent level of an ant breathing heavily.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s going to be bloody boiling for a week. You’re going to be miserable about it. Fans will do f**k all.

“Stop planning your quick trip to Argos. Gadgets are no use here. They’ll only ensure you wake up in the morning with a mouth that feels like the Sahara desert’s shat in it.

“A wavy device won’t stop your face going red and no matter how much you waft the air about you’ll still get up from every chair with a sweaty squelch. Suck it up.

“Climate change? Yeah, that’s happening. We warned you. A fan’s not going to do any good there either, so stop pissing about with your pointless breeze machine and do something about carbon.”

Hannah Tomlinson of Gravesend said: “Yes, absolutely, I get all that. But hear me out, what about one of those fancy column fans?”