Tory leadership candidates pledge to cut taxes, services, and throats

THE candidates to become the next Conservative leader have all backed cutting taxes, cutting public services and cutting the hearts out of the opposition. 

The hopefuls, who cover the whole spectrum of political views from hard right to extreme right, have almost uniformly backed reducing taxes, eliminating red tape and the merciless crushing of their ideological enemies.

Backbencher Norman Steele said: “Voters want to see classic, strong conservative policies, such as low corporation tax and ripping out the entrails of union members, students and the woke judiciary.

“Whether Javid or Tugendhat, everyone’s in total agreement that we need to slash the tax burden and stab anyone who dares disrespect Brexit. We will solve the cost-of-living crisis for those people by reducing their life expectancy to zero.

“Back in the good old days politicians could do whatever they liked and sedition carried the death penalty. That’s what everyone wants for Britain. It’s Squid Game as domestic policy.”

Conservative member Wayne Hayes said: “Suella’s promising to abandon human rights and build a throne of the skulls of her enemies, but to Liz Truss they’re not even people. She’d go through them like a farmer scything crops. So I’m undecided.

“But whichever one I back I’m a winner, because I’m confident their new era of blood and suffering won’t affect me. Fingers crossed.”

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Charlie off Casualty's daughter: the next five celebrity children entering Love Island

DANI Dyer, Gemma Owen, Jack Keating: Love Island has become a creche for adult celebrity children. These are rumoured to be next: 

The nephew of the drummer from Chumbawamba

The Leeds-based DJ-turned-butcher caught the eye of producers for his glittering celebrity connections. Has no discernible personality of his own, but it’s hoped the barely sentient sleeve-tattoo will reveal secrets of the 1997 one-hit wonders while awkwardly trying to chat up a personal trainer by a sun-lounger.

Charlie off Casualty’s daughter

Desperate not to live in her father’s massive shadow, will spend 80 per cent of her time in the villa talking about how difficult it was growing up surrounded by the rich and famous of Casualty. After being kicked out will make appearances in regional nightclubs before being cancelled for promoting unlicensed vitamin pills on TikTok.

Ant McPartlin’s second cousin twice removed

Booked to fulfil the Geordie quota, producers were thrilled to learn that this South Shields bombshell had a celebrity cousin she’s met twice. Controversy ensues when she realises she meant the other one.

Timmy Mallet’s nephew’s ex-wife

When Timmy Mallet’s nephew’s ex-wife got in touch asking to be put on that ‘island with all the young shaggable blokes,’ producers knew they’d struck gold. Well into her 50s, Mavis proves popular for banging anyone who fancies it.

Alan Ruscoe’s grandson

Household name Ruscoe has played a host of Doctor Who villains, three monsters in The Phantom Menace and is a huge draw on the regional comic-con circuit. His grandson has spent his whole life coasting on being related to this massive celebrity and is now using it to try and get a blowjob off a beautician from Reading.