Paisley Quits To Spend More Time Heckling The Pope

IAN Paisley is to resign as Northern Ireland's first minister so he can devote more time to shouting abuse at the Pope.

Dr Paisley, one of Europe's most accomplished Pope hecklers, said that while devolution faced many challenges, the time was right for him to, 'have a crack at this uppity German Pontiff'.

He added: "While I have been glaring at terrorists across the Cabinet table, this silver-tongued witch-doctor has been spreading his voodoo message unmolested.

"For months I have been torn between my duties as first minister and my raging desire to march into St Peter's Square with my best megaphone and shout 'Harlot of Babylon!'."

The first minister revealed he had been working on a new range of Pope heckles, including: 'Nice hat!', 'Incense is for poofters!' and 'Oi Fritz! Why are you dressed like a girl?'.

Martin McGuinness, Sinn Fein's deputy first minister, said: "It's been obvious for some time that he was itching to get back into the Pope heckling game.

"At the last Cabinet meeting he emptied his bowels in the middle of the table before sticking a little Union Jack in it and saying 'that's what I think of your Pope'."

Prime minister Gordon Brown said: "It is a testament to Northern Ireland's new spirit of tolerance that the highest office in the land could have been occupied by someone who was so clearly and demonstrably insane."

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Hitler's Astrologer Forecast Good News On Part-Time Job

HITLER'S astrologer told the Nazi leader to expect good news about a part-time job or an unexpected cash gift from a family member, according to files just released by the National Archive. 

Writing on the eve of the Nazi leader’s disastrous invasion of Russia Hitler's personal astrologer Reinhard Vogelsang told the Fuhrer he was in line for a competition win, or some success on the horses.

Vogelsang said: "Whatever form your little windfall takes, enjoy spending it – a little luxury here or there will boost your spirits no end!"

As the war turned against him Hitler increasingly came to rely on the advice of Vogelsang, a graduate of the elite Nazi astrology college at Fockenschite.

Following the defeat at Stalingrad in February 1943 Vogelsang told the Fuhrer: "There's potentially a real boost to your social life today, connected to a favourite hobby or interest.

"Either way you’ll meet people who are really on your wavelength who could become firm friends!"

And as the Allies landed on the beaches of Normandy in June 1944 Vogelsang said: "Even if you've nothing special planned today, take time to appreciate those who appreciate you."

Vogelsang's notes reveal Hitler was initially sceptical about astrology. "The Fuhrer would sigh whenever Dr Goebbels got the newspaper out. But after a few minutes he was like, 'alright, what does it say about Taurus?'."

On the morning of the 30 April 1945, as the Russian Army moved into the heart of Berlin Vogelsang drew up his last prediction for the Fuhrer saying: "A more upbeat phase begins for Germany this week. Why not blow your fucking head off, you crazy bastard?"