Hoover Sex Cleaner Ditched By Polish Vacuum

THE Polish vacuum cleaner whose boyfriend was caught having sex with a Henry Hoover has spoken of her shame and disgust at his gay love antics. 

The Miele 1600 watt cylinder model said the two had met in an electrical appliance store in Warsaw and, after a whirlwind romance, had set up home in his apartment.

She said: “He was lovely boyfriend, he take me out restaurant, cinema, pay attention my feelings, not demand suck, suck, suck all time like other men.

“He say ‘we get married soon’, I to come over England, he get me job in hospital where he work so we together, start family. Have lot of little hoover together.

“Now it in all papers in Poland he caught, trousers down, in filth sex on job with other hoover – but one who is man. I cannot go out, I so ashamed.

“I ask him on phone ‘why? why? why?’, he just say ‘Henry suck like Linda Lovelace with big cute face’. I never want see him again.”

Meanwhile the Henry at the centre of the sex storm has said he will stand by his new lover, even if it costs him his job.

The two are planning to ‘marry’ in a civil partnership later this year, following in the footsteps of Denys Hatton, the Conservative MP for Minchinhamptonsteadbury who tied the knot with his Dyson last summer in a ceremony attended by Lady Thatcher and Michael Portillo.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Diana Jury Asks Coroner: Why Are We Here?

THE jury in the Diana inquest yesterday asked the coroner to remind them why they are there.

After hearing two hours of detailed evidence about Diana's affair with surgeon Hasnat Khan, the 12 men and women at the High Courts of Justice interrupted proceedings to ask if they could go back to the bit about the car crash.

Wayne Hayes, the jury foreman, said: "While the Princess's passionate affair is – of course – utterly fascinating, we're just not sure how it relates to why we are actually here.

"We were thinking that, at some point, we might hear evidence from the engineer who designed the anti-lock braking system on the Mercedes S-Class, or perhaps an expert in toxicology.

"So unless Dr Khan also happens to have written a book about seat belts, we're really not sure what that was all about."

He added: "So far the only verdict we could give you is that Diana died because she was too full of love. But I'm pretty sure that's not what you're looking for."

The inquest into Diana's life continues today with evidence from a man who knows Elton John and a woman who wrote an article about Diana's clothes, neither of whom know anything about power steering or the structural integrity of a concrete underpass.