51-YEAR-OLD Wall Street commodities broker Patrick Bateman has described his anguish at the death of Whitney Houston.
A self-confessed ‘superfan’, Bateman’s face was an emotionless mask during the singer’s funeral, although he was later seen dancing to some of her greatest hits while wearing headphones and a Sony Discman.
The trader for Wall Street firm Pierce and Pierce used his innate charm to inveigle his way into the ceremony, although two security guards have since been declared missing.
Bateman said: “Whitney’s 1986 debut album, called simply Whitney Houston, was a seminal moment in the evolution of pop, soul, and mainstream adult-oriented dance music.
“It’s hard to choose a favourite among so many great tracks. It was also the perfect accompaniment to slicing off a prostitute’s fingers one by one with a high-end kitchen appliance.
“In theory, anyway.”
He continued: “She was as much a part of the 80s as the Filofax, Michael Douglas, ‘hard-bodied’ girls with heavily-processed hair and using a nailgun to kill a hobo then taking severed body parts to the gym.
“Sorry, did I say that out loud? I’m on a lot of medication”
Bateman added: “But it could have been worse. At least Huey Lewis is still with us.”