Patrick Bateman 'devastated' by Whitney Houston funeral

51-YEAR-OLD Wall Street commodities broker Patrick Bateman has described his anguish at the death of Whitney Houston.

A self-confessed ‘superfan’, Bateman’s face was an emotionless mask during the singer’s funeral, although he was later seen dancing to some of her greatest hits while wearing headphones and a Sony Discman. 

The trader for Wall Street firm Pierce and Pierce used his innate charm to inveigle his way into the ceremony, although two security guards have since been declared missing.

Bateman said:  “Whitney’s 1986 debut album, called simply Whitney Houston, was a seminal moment in the evolution of pop, soul, and mainstream adult-oriented dance music.

“It’s hard to choose a favourite among so many great tracks. It was also the perfect accompaniment to slicing off a prostitute’s fingers one by one with a high-end kitchen appliance.

“In theory, anyway.”

He continued: “She was as much a part of the 80s as the Filofax, Michael Douglas, ‘hard-bodied’ girls with heavily-processed hair and using a nailgun to kill a hobo then taking severed body parts to the gym.

“Sorry, did I say that out loud? I’m on a lot of medication”

Bateman added: “But it could have been worse. At least Huey Lewis is still with us.”


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New anti-virus software 'deadliest yet'

THE latest batch of anti-virus software will break your computer even more thoroughly than previous versions, experts have warned.

Computer users have been told to look out for the software, which commonly appears in large shiny boxes sold at high street electronic retailers.

IT analyst Tom Logan said: “Anti-virus software works by being generally fucking annoying.

“Typically it slows down the user’s computer to the extent that the enraged individual is left with no choice but to smash his hard drive really hard against the wall in a bout of Hulk-like rage.

“Another common anti-virus trick is to demand large sums of money on an annual basis, simply so that it can continue ruining your life.”

The technology industry has reported a slew of new, patience-resistant anti-virus software including Mcafee Fuckshield and Semantec Box of Toss 2012.

Tom Logan said: “This new breed of software knows no boundaries when it comes to messing with the consumer’s head.

“The installation process itself takes around 19 days. When this inevitably goes wrong, the user discovers that the support helpline number is not on the box, but can only be found engraved under the wing of a rare Patagonian hawk.

“Thus begins a demented quest for closure that ends with the consumer naked in a forest, eating his own arm.”

Anti-virus software, which mostly affects PCs, was first developed in 1983
by shadowy, round-shouldered social misfits with a grudge against humanity.