McCartney irritating whole new generation

PAUL McCartney has become the first artist to irritate three generations of music fans after appearing on Rihanna’s new single.

Teenagers whose grandparents were yet to be born when Macca first appeared as an insufferable grinning fop in 1963 are now being angered by his latest gropes for relevance.

Pop historian Julian Cook said: “From the chirpy tit your granny liked in the Beatles to his period as an arsearche with Wings in the 1970s, McCartney has always been the most patience-testing musician in pop.

“He’s a long way from his ‘peak’ with The Frog Chorus in 1983, which he’d be the first to remind you is actually called We All Stand Together, but despite his advanced years he is still pretty wearing.”

The new single is widely recognised as one of the worst things that Rihanna and Kanye have ever done, with both modestly insisting that McCartney should get all the credit.

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London sponsored by cocaine

LONDON is now officially sponsored by its cocaine dealers.

The city of broken dreams has agreed a multi-billion deal with the providers of its favourite stimulant, who will maintain its crumbling infrastructure in exchange for police turning a blind eye.

Prominent drug dealer Wayne Hayes said: “Unlike most corporate sponsors, we expect nothing in return except the continued existence of a massive city full of exhausted people who need perking up.

“We toyed with the idea of painting Big Ben white but it seemed too crass.”

Marketing executive Emma Bradford said: “At first I thought this was a disgusting idea, then I realise I was only in a bad mood from doing too much gak at the weekend.

“I don’t mind my coke dealer because, unlike fizzy drink or burger companies, he does not pretend to be motivated by anything other that a voracious desire for profit regardless of the human cost. Also he doesn’t encourage me to share my coke with the world, which I am loathe to do.”