Pert skimpy assets derriere beach fun

PERKY posterior beach body confidence ample cleavage, it has emerged.

Tanned tummy, taut curves tiny two piece revealing ensemble. Plenty of flesh, sandy fun.

Defying critics and packing on PDA.

An onlooker said: “Minimal make-up, sculpted. Pretty features long legs.

“Looked to be having the time of their life. Happy spirits slender physique carefree, the perfect match.

“Loving it.”

However cleavage bronzed gym-honed, hot and heavy.

The onlooker added: “Wet and wild, new series of The Bachelor. Wardrobe malfunction not afraid to use her body.

“Added fuel to rumours of romance, beach party flaunted exclusive celebrity island, blasted around on jet ski. Cocktails American rapper, can’t keep his hands off. Look away now Chloe!

“Complicated love life. Derriere? Divorce nervous breakdown.”

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World leaders openly taking the piss out of Brexit

EVERYONE at the G20 summit finds Brexit hilarious, Theresa May has confirmed.

The prime minister’s meetings at the G20 summit have been marred by sarcastic comments, Brexit jokes and mocking impressions of Great Britain.

May said: “Obama started it when he said, ‘Rest assured we still regard Britain as one of the great nations on earth’. Then he added ‘NOT!’ and everyone cracked up.

“Then Chinese president Xi Jinping put on a falsetto voice and kept repeating ‘I’m Great Britain, I’m so powerful!’ while skipping round the room.

“By now everyone was pissing themselves. Eventually they calmed down but then refreshments arrived and Francois Hollande set them off again by asking ‘Who wants a Brexit, I mean biscuit?’

“Putin decided to get in on the act and told a joke about how many Brexiters it takes to change a lightbulb. It wasn’t funny but they laughed because they’re scared he’ll start World War Three.

“The worst thing was having to play along and pretend I was in on the joke, which was doubly humiliating as I do not have a sense of humour.”

German leader Angela Merkel has since apologised to the UK for “going too far” after Philip Hammond ran out of a meeting in tears.