Pete Doherty Made Of Crack, Say Police

BOHEMIAN not-singer Pete Doherty is now 98% pure crack cocaine, according to police.

Doherty's physical ingredients were discovered when two detectives reported a grandiose feeling of well-being and started singing dreadful sub-Kinks drivel shortly after questioning the Babyshambles frontman.

They were later suspended and given three months leave to sort out their head space in Marrakech.

Inspector Tom Logan said: "At present he is facing 12 years in jail for being himself.

"Many people who have listened to Down In Albion will probably say that's a picnic compared to what he really deserves."

Meanwhile the former Libertines noise-maker has run into financial difficulties maintaining 24-hour security on himself as he has a current street value of £4m.

Charlie Reeves, a middle class idiot associate of Doherty who once owned a camcorder and therefore has 'Director' printed on the business cards he had made in a motorway services machine, said: "A lot of musicians claim that their fans want a piece of them but in Pete's case it’s incredibly true.

"I remember one night we were coming out of the Good Mixer in Camden and some guy held a lighter under Pete's hand as he was hailing a taxi and started inhaling the fumes. Pete can't even bite his own fingernails now or he'll end up OD-ing again.”

Experts say the only part of Doherty still completely cocaine-free is his pork pie hat, which is made of a woven form of mephedrone, also known as 'meow-meow' or 'Top Cat'.


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Masterchef Upgraded To Class B Drug

THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.

The move comes after a Swindon man chewed the flesh from his hands after his television broke just as judges Greg Wallace and John Torode were about to announce that week's quarter-finalist.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Masterchef is ostensibly just another reality cooking format where some people you'll never meet get very stressed while heating some things for the fleeting gratification of a couple of bastards.

"But just try not watching it, or worse still turning it off before the end. You'll see Gregg Wallace's big testicle-like head, goading you about your inability to deliver strong flavours.

"The hallucinations will escalate, usually culminating in a vision of Gregg and John writhing naked together in a massive sex ramekin full of evil black souffle. And the only way to make to stop is to watch more Masterchef."

He added: "I've seen children as young as six who've watched the show and are more concerned about how a mother-of-two's seemingly ill-advised fish and rabbit lasagne with a lime jus will pan out than playing with their friends. It really is appalling."

Masterchef addict Nikki Hollis said: "When I first started watching it I thought it was harmless drivel and I openly mocked former greengrocer Greg, who appeared to have little to offer except the fact that he really, really likes puddings.

"'But as soon as it was over, I wanted another one, and other. Which was just as well because it's on all the fucking time."

Recovering Masterchef user Roy Hobbs said: "It hasn't been easy but I'm through the dark times. However, I do occasionally still imagine what it would be like to kiss John Torode while Gregg Wallace looks on, lasciviously rubbing his gleaming pate and repeating the word 'laaaarvely'."