CELEBRITIES who’ve lost a lot of weight can freak you out, and surely the public should be consulted first? We have serious reservations about former fatties like these…
Chris Moyles
Fat Chris epitomised celebrity lad wankers of the 2000s, but at least you knew where you stood. He was a fat bastard, you hated him, end of. Then came his dramatic weight loss, which was bloody inconsiderate because ‘You actually-not-looking-too-bad-for-a-51-year-old-guy bastard’ is a real mouthful to shout at the radio and TV.
Peter Kay
‘Who’s that guy? Surely it can’t be… F**KING HELL!’ you may have exclaimed this week after seeing slimline Peter on This Morning. And now you’re fretting about the risks Peter may be taking with his comedy career. It’s a scientifically proven fact that fat people are jolly, so what if his weight loss turns him all serious? Fans will be abandoning him in droves if he ditches twee Northern stand-up in favour of an evening of Sylvia Plath poems.
Adele
You always had Adele neatly pigeonholed as the fat singer who kept getting dumped. Then suddenly she turned into f**king Kate Winslet. This isn’t just surprising, it’s life-changing ontological shock. What other things you believed are a lie? Were you born the opposite sex and your parents have been lying to you all this time? At least it’s an excuse for those moobs.
Jack Osbourne
In The Osbournes Jack was the fat kid you could dismiss as a pointless LA nepo brat mooching off his rock star dad’s success. But now he’s on I’m A Celebrity having metamorphosed into a phenomenally unremarkable middle-aged bloke with no weight issues and a dull, calm voice like a GP telling you your cholesterol is fine. If this is all it takes to be a celebrity these days you’ll have a tent in the jungle and £250,000, please.
Oprah Winfrey
What the hell happened here? The Oprah you knew as a kid was fat and homely, as befitted a concerned, maternal figure in touch with her guests’ emotional wellbeing. Then she became all slim and dynamic. It was just plain unsettling, like discovering King Charles is actually 46. We’re pleased for your empowering weight-loss journey, Oprah, but maybe it’s time to go back in the other direction?
Matt Lucas
Once actors become synonymous with one much-loved character, they should be made to stay in that role forever. And this applies to Matt Lucas, whose decision to slim down is a betrayal of Little Britain fans who adored Daffyd, ‘the only gay in the village’. Rapid, dangerous crash-eating would restore him to his former rotundity, which would also be handy if he wants to bring back Ting Tong, the obese Thai ladyboy. The time just feels so right for that.
