Phillip Schofield left This Morning 'because it's shit'

PHILLIP Schofield admitted he had no option but to leave This Morning after realising the entire show was nothing but a collection of total shit.  

After spending a week in a heightened state of tension, noticing every detail around him for the first time in years, the presenter realised he had wasted decades of his life stringing together purposeless lifestyle items featuring minor celebrities.

A close friend said: “It’s nothing to do with the feud with Holly. He just truly understood, for the first time, that he was putting a grinning face on a pan full of turds.

“He said ‘At least on Children’s BBC I was only filling in time before Scooby-Doo. How have I ended up on a show that’s like that but without the glove puppet and without Scooby-Doo?’

“‘At least on The Cube we had a f**king cube. The theme of This Morning is that it’s the morning and this is what’s on. And after 21 years doing this shit it’s dawned on me that isn’t close to enough.’

“He’s left the show, never wants to see Holly pretend to give half a f**k about whatever shite Gino D’Acampo’s cooking every again, says Alison Hammond can have his job and intends to travel Nepal barefoot, like the Buddha.

“Though he’ll be back for the next series of Dancing On Ice. That’s a great show with a lot of depth.”

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ALDI now more middle-class than Waitrose

BUDGET German supermarket Aldi has become of a middle-class staple than Waitrose, it has emerged.

Thanks to the cost-of-living crisis and concurrent Tory governments, the aisles of Aldi are thick with doctors, lawyers, and TV producers while the car park is full of Audis.

Music teacher Francesca Johnson said: “Aldi used to be humiliating, but we’ve all been going there so long that it’s become social death not to.

“Bumping trolleys with other mums from Freya’s prep, picking up delightfully Polish jars of pickles, and none of those dreadful brand names that advertise on commercial channels. It’s very much us.

“Because it’s German it’s a little bit continental and a little bit Remainer, with those dirty floors and the unfriendly layout of the hypermarché near our villa in the south of France. Nipping in is like a European city break in itself.

“Obviously I stay away from the other shoppers unless I’m sure they’re wearing something from Boden and are there ironically, just like me.”

Aldi worker Lauren Hewitt said: “Twats like her come in every day marvelling at our avocados. I hope they choke on their Moser-Roth.