Beer, football or garden shed: the six types of birthday card for men

GREETINGS card manufacturers think men are simple creatures akin to amoebas. Here are the six very basic categories they fall into:


Big lovely pint. Pints all day. Pint pint pint. Are they implying you’re an alcoholic? It’s not clear, but the illustration of a man with a large gut belching does not suggest flattering things. Not that you care, though, because you’re a man and all you think about is beer.


What goes hand-in-hand with beer? Football, of course. The people who make birthday cards never consider that a man might have another hobby, such as Japanese cuisine or oil painting. No, you are a man, and therefore your personality is entirely based around football.


Your male friends don’t want to give you a nice card, because that’s a bit gay, so instead they express their affection for you with one that says ‘With age comes great wisdom… and a saggy ballsack’, accompanied by a picture of some testicles. Which is even gayer, if you think about it.


All men love a bit of light misogyny on their birthday, right? The male sense of humour just loves a card featuring an ugly caricature of a woman and an unoriginal ‘joke’ about tits and bums. Hopefully the person who purchases this card is doing so ironically. Unless it’s your mate Darren, he genuinely thinks it’s hilarious.

Garden shed

Uh oh. Receiving a card with a shed on it means you’ve made the transition from full-time lad to middle-age, and society thinks all you’re interested in is listening to the cricket surrounded by plant pots and spiders. Receiving this card is likely to spark a midlife crisis, meaning that next year you will receive one with a red sports car on it.


Getting this one is unfortunately confirmation that you have gone far beyond ‘garden shed’ in years. In fact, you’re practically on your deathbed. They may as well add a drawing of your ashes being scattered at sea to the tranquil image on the front of the card.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Their old microwave, and other things your parents are constantly trying to lumber you with

ONCE you’ve left home your parents just view you as someone they can dump all their old shit on. Here are some things they insist you have:

Their massive, unwanted furniture

Your folks have had the same three-piece suite and huge sideboard since 1988, but now they’ve finally discovered IKEA and fancy a sleek, Scandi living room. Rather than taking these ugly items to the tip, they decide they will be ‘useful’ to you, despite the fact that you’re 44 and have had your own furniture for 20 years.

Their strange clothes

Your mum has a fur coat which used to belong to her mum, and she has decided now is the time to hand it down to you. You can’t tell her the only time you’d wear a fur coat is to a fancy dress party, and even then you wouldn’t wear real fur because your friends would disown you, so you pretend to be grateful and sling it straight in the loft.

Their old microwave

Despite being completely tightfisted in every other respect, your parents change their microwave on a bewilderingly regular basis, and give you the old one. You tell them you’re still using the one they gave you in 2017 and have two spare in the garage, but your dad still loads it into your boot just before you leave, giving you no chance to refuse it.

An entire mismatched dinner service

Having each inherited a dinner service from their respective parents, and got one of their own when they married, your parents now have approximately 3,000 plates. They decide to force a set on you, but can’t be arsed to match them up so you end up with a mish-mash of horrible Hornsey and Denby pottery that you don’t tell the kids off for smashing.

Their allotment veg

Your dad’s had an allotment for 30 years but in all that time he has never decided to grow fruit or vegetables that people actually like. This means that every time you visit you’re given a bag of gooseberries, rhubarb or marrows, which travel around in the boot of your car for three weeks before ending up in the compost bin.

Your old stuff

You think it’s your birthright to use your parents’ attic as free storage, but they have decided to downsize and want rid of your childhood crap. This means that you now receive a steady stream of WhatsApp messages asking if you want this teddy bear/single shoe/Year 7 homework diary/DVD of Billy Elliot/stack of bank statements. You do not. But they’ll never stop asking.