Phone hacking scandal finally interesting

THE tabloid phone hacking scandal widened last night to include some voicemail messages you may actually care about.

Amid fresh evidence that the noble art of British journalism has been infiltrated by absolute scoundrels, people across the country said this might just be starting to get a bit fucking juicy.

Police are being urged to investigate claims that the hacking included Kate Middleton, Tony Blair, Peter Mandelson and an MI5 spy handler in addition to a seemingly endless litany of pointless film stars, daytime TV presenters and the oaf Prescott.

The Guardian revealed that some fuckers hired a bastard to get up to all kinds muck, before quietly admitting that not all the fuckers worked for News International.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “With the allegation that the Mirror group is also up to its tits in this the Guardian may be forced to accept that left wing people can do bad things too.”

Tom Logan, who has flicked past this shit without taking a blind bit of notice for about three years now, said: “This means we are just one step way from Pippa and at that point I’m phoning in sick.

“I’d also be interested to hear whether Tony Blair got my message urging him to commit suicide. He never returned my call, which I thought was quite rude.”

Logan added: “Oh and by the way, is it just me or are British newspapers run by utter fucking maniacs?”

It is understood Kate Middleton’s voicemails included a drunken message from Prince Harry regarding a ‘sneaky wee blow job’, a series of thinly veiled threats from Prince Philip and four separate calls from James Hewitt asking if she would like to play ‘horsey’.

Peter Mandelson’s voicemails were mostly in Russian or Chinese, except for one message from Ed Balls pleading for the safe return of his children’s hamster.

Meanwhile Tony Blair’s messages included one from the chairman of Halliburton asking which account the money should be paid into and Gordon Brown leaving the one word message ‘resign’ for 3,659 days in a row.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Facebook apologises for ugly-recognition software

MARK Zuckerberg has admitted that a Facebook app automatically highlighting how hideous people are was a mistake.

The unannounced addition was spotted after a Carlisle woman noticed that her profile photo had been given a caption comparing her to Red Rum’s arse after the 20th fence of the National.

Zuckerberg said: “We realise now that half the fun of Facebook is posting links to people’s homepages and asking their friends how the person in question manages to shave without throwing up.

“Here at the HQ we’ve got a whole wall of terrifying fuglies that we have to sprint past to get to the canteen. It’s like a family barbecue at Lizzie Bardsley’s house.”

Obsessive Facebook users may also soon be facing a blank page after further software was installed to measure how much anyone should give a shit about their lives.

Complex logarithms and a spellchecker looking out for the words ‘lol’ and ‘party’ will be able to remove status updates and invites for whatever self-involved prickfest ‘friends’ insist on inviting everybody to.

Zuckerberg added: “If it works like it’s supposed to – and we’re talking about Facebook so get your head round that little caveat – the whole site should only have to cope with about seven status updates a day.

“Deaths and wedding announcements should just about cover things, along with births, but of course those last two could very well fall foul of the new Uglinator© software anyway.”

Civil rights campaigners have voiced their concerns that the website is infringing something or other in a way they were not able to satisfactorily quantify.

But their fears were answered after Zuckerberg sent a gang of tight-suited heavies around to hoof their computers into traffic if they were unable to stay off the internet for more than three bastard minutes at a time.