Piers Morgan’s guide to being the biggest twat in the universe

WOULD you like to be paid a fortune just for being an appalling twat all the time? Here Piers Morgan gives his priceless advice.

Keep it fake

Focus on bullshit non-issues, eg. Little Mix’s pants. Overall, your brand of lightweight ‘journalism’ should have as much consequence as complaining that leprechauns don’t pay income tax.

Have an attractive accomplice

This creates a lucrative dynamic in which you behave like a twat, she pretends to be shocked that you’re being a twat yet again, and which thousands of other twats enjoy watching for some reason.

Have a very punchable face

Luckily I was born with a punchable face but if you weren’t, get plastic surgery. If, when the bandages come off, you resemble a strangely arrogant leg of ham, congratulations – you’ve got the Piers look!

Engage in a spot of revolting populism

As with my unhinged article about ISIS bride Shamima Begum, really put the boot in on easy targets everyone hates anyway. At the moment I am absolutely fuming about granny muggers – and I’m not afraid to say so!

Be pompous

So you published some pictures of ‘British squaddies’ abusing ‘prisoners’ that would have looked dodgy to a five-year-old? No problem – you were just selflessly opening up a public debate, you modern-day Jesus, you.

Feed like a hyena on putrid celebrity toss

Is Jay-Z unable to attend Cate Blanchett’s barbecue? Has Lily Allen criticised Stormzy’s trousers? Did Rick Parfitt once get a red wine stain on Mike Oldfield’s beige carpet? These are the issues that matter (to your bank account).