Piers Morgan's guide to being the biggest twat in the universe

WOULD you like to be paid a fortune just for being an appalling twat all the time? Here Piers Morgan gives his priceless advice.

Keep it fake

Focus on bullshit non-issues, eg. Little Mix’s pants. Overall, your brand of lightweight ‘journalism’ should have as much consequence as complaining that leprechauns don’t pay income tax.

Have an attractive accomplice

This creates a lucrative dynamic in which you behave like a twat, she pretends to be shocked that you’re being a twat yet again, and which thousands of other twats enjoy watching for some reason.

Have a very punchable face

Luckily I was born with a punchable face but if you weren’t, get plastic surgery. If, when the bandages come off, you resemble a strangely arrogant leg of ham, congratulations – you’ve got the Piers look!

Engage in a spot of revolting populism

As with my unhinged article about ISIS bride Shamima Begum, really put the boot in on easy targets everyone hates anyway. At the moment I am absolutely fuming about granny muggers – and I’m not afraid to say so!

Be pompous

So you published some pictures of ‘British squaddies’ abusing ‘prisoners’ that would have looked dodgy to a five-year-old? No problem – you were just selflessly opening up a public debate, you modern-day Jesus, you.

Feed like a hyena on putrid celebrity toss

Is Jay-Z unable to attend Cate Blanchett’s barbecue? Has Lily Allen criticised Stormzy’s trousers? Did Rick Parfitt once get a red wine stain on Mike Oldfield’s beige carpet? These are the issues that matter (to your bank account).

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How to choose your workplace nemesis

HAVING a sworn enemy to detest and undermine certainly makes slow days at work go faster. But who should you choose as your arch-enemy and target of your undeserved rage?

Your line manager

Just because they have the power to decide when you go on holiday, whether you’re working hard enough and if your regular two-day post-party illnesses deserve, they think they’re better than you. Of course you hate them.

Whoever currently has a cold

Either they’re a selfish bastard for coming in, annoying everyone with their sniffs, coughs and nose-blowing and passing on their germs, or they’re a selfish bastard because they’ve had three days off for nothing but a bloody cold. Either way, strike now while they’re weak.

The newest member of staff

An easy target but likely to be eminently hateable simply because they have no clue. Make a new folder on their desktop called ‘Clown Porn HARDCORE’ every time they go to the loo and watch them have a nervous breakdown.

The loud chewer

If you are sensitive to the sound of another human slowly, wetly masticating food, they will be your office nemesis until the day you snap and punch that Pret free-range egg mayo sandwich out of their filthy mouth and get fired.

The one who stays late every day

This nauseating little prick makes you look bad by staying late, arriving early and actually appearing to like their job. But don’t worry, everyone else hates them too, even the boss.

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