Shirtless Spaniards take over Scarborough

HORDES of drunk, obnoxious Spanish tourists have arrived in Scarborough to enjoy the sunshine and take no interest in any other aspect of Britain. 

The tourists, who speak no English and order tapas by calling every waiter Gary, have been lured here from Alicante by England’s balmy climate and relaxed pace of life.

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “I know they’ve only come for the sun, but would it kill them to take an interest in our proud, ancient culture?

“Instead all day they lie on the beach in their Speedos reading El Pais, picking at olives and manchego cheese before launching into offensive chants about Lionel Messi.

“Then they barge into our fish ’n’ chip shops, smashed on all-day Rioja, demanding pulpo a la gallega with a well-chilled Fino sherry, not even bothering to read what’s actually on the menu.

“Mind you, the businesses are happy to see them. Half the seafront’s turned into all-night paella bars called Picasso, and the flamenco from Don Quixote’s nightclub goes on all night.”

Tourist Juan Fernandez said: “Me and the wife are thinking of buying here and decking the house out with a massive Spanish flag. Why would we ever want to return to our grey existence in Granada?”

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Brexiter can't remember if he means it or if it's just a wind-up

A LEAVE supporter cannot remember if he is actually against Britain’s EU membership or if he just says he is to wind up Remainers. 

Electrical contractor Stephen Malley thinks he voted Brexit, although his first clear memory around the referendum is claiming he did to irritate some arsehole Remain voters in a pub.

He said: “Certainly I don’t give a toss about the EU, and never did. But I’m addicted to the outraged reactions I get when I say I voted Brexit.

“Thing is, I don’t want everyone losing their jobs. The weak pound’s done me no favours. Signing trade deals with Cambodia or wherever’s fuck all to me.

“But ‘taking back control’ sounds tough like the tagline to a Jason Statham film and ‘you lost, get over it’ is something I rarely get to say as a Coventry City fan.

“Maybe I just like antagonising people because, let’s face it, there’s an attention-seeking twat inside all of us. Anyway too late to change now.”

Malley has admitted that perhaps not every Remain voter is a rich, sneering Londoner who goes skiing with their au pair, adding: “But most of them are.”