Pitt and Jolie finally end their sex life

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt have confirmed their entry into the sexless world of marriage. 

The couple confirmed that their six children, punishing work schedules and increasing resemblance to their own parents mean that boning is off and marriage is on.

Pitt said: “We’re both super hot so all the shagging has been great.

“Frankly though I’m drained to the core and it was time to do the time-honoured ritual that restricts intercourse to holidays and the odd Friday night if we’re both still awake after Graham Norton.

“Our relationship is now as unexciting as those of our fans. Admittedly it’s unexciting in a labyrinthine chateau in Provence, but the principle is the same.”

In a further gesture of solidarity with the masses, the actors have adopted the vaguely aspirational surname Pitt-Jolie, even though it sounds stupid.

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privacy

Privacy experts too paranoid even for lunch

The UK’s top authorities on privacy law have refused to confirm their availability for a lunch meeting next Friday.

Attempts to book an upstairs room at a London gastropub have foundered because none of the experts are willing to give a name, a credit card, or to say if they want a starter.

Organiser Susan Traherne said: “I put it on Google Calendars and wow, did that stir up trouble.

“And you wouldn’t believe the lecture I got when I asked who was on Facebook.

“Apparently whether they’d prefer to eat Asian fusion or classic French is important metadata which the government could use to predict their movements.

“While I completely agree that privacy is not merely a right but a fundamental aspect of freedom of expression, these get-togethers are becoming an utter ballache.”

The last attempt to discuss privacy in the social media age was postponed after members were unwilling to acknowledge that they were sitting in the same branch of Nando’s.