Pope named Pope of the Year

TIME Magazine’s prestigious Pope of the Year award has been handed to new-pope-on-the-block Pope Francis.

Editor Helen Archer said: “Pope Francis has controversially read different bits of the Bible out than the last pope and therefore very much deserves this honour.”

Francis is believed to have easily beaten the other name on the shortlist, Pope Benedict XVI, who lost out because he was no longer pope.

Pope Francis said: “I am surprised and delighted to accept this wonderful honour.

“I honestly didn’t expect to win. I thought it was going to go to Robin Thicke.”

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Weirdo prefers sex to internet pornography

A 28-YEAR-OLD man had admitted preferring sexual intercourse with his partner to looking at porn on the internet.

Julian Cook described feeling compelled to have sex with his long-term girlfriend despite the plethora of high quality explicit content available online.

He said: “I know it’s not considered normal to enjoy intimate physical contact with a member of the opposite sex, especially one with whom you share an emotional bond.

“A psychologically healthy man of my age should be in a spare bedroom hunched over a monitor, with multiple browsers simultaneously displaying a range of depraved acts in clinical detail.

“I really want a conventional, addicted attitude to online porn, like all my friends have got.

“Somehow though my brain is wired up incorrectly and I prefer the act of lovemaking to masturbating over depraved video clips starring people with desperate lives.

“It’s as if I mentally associate sex with emotion or something fucked up like that.”

Cook’s best friend Tom Booker said: “Like the rest of our social group, I rarely get intimate with my wife any more because it’s such an empty experience compared to looking at pornography aggregator websites on a computer.

“Julian’s girlfriend hasn’t even had radical cosmetic surgery and doesn’t do any of the things that make a lady attractive, like referring to herself as a ‘filthy whore’.

“I keep telling him he needs to leave her alone after 6pm, developing a strong porn life is all about having the willpower to avoid physical closeness.”