Thursday, 13th May 2021

Prince Charles' guide to working hard

THIS week the heir to the throne urged Britons to do some “hard graft” and stop our fruit and vegetable crops going to waste. Here Charles gives more examples of how to work harder.

Run your own bath and put toothpaste on your brush yourself

Don’t just rely on your valet. I’m certainly thinking of giving this a go once I’ve mastered getting my own pyjamas out of the drawer. The great thing is it will free up vital man-hours for your servants to perform more pressing tasks around your estate.

Don’t just talk to your own plants – also talk to those of elderly neighbours

In these troubled times it’s important to look out for socially isolated older neighbours. So trot round to old folks in your area and keep their potted plants abreast of the latest developments. Today I read out the first 11 pages of The Times to a rapt audience of tomatoes.

Dress for work

Keep your morale and standards up by dressing properly instead of lounging around in your Y-fronts. Today I donned a full Royal Navy admiral’s uniform complete with ceremonial gloves, gold braid and more than 60 medals. Then I watched Bargain Hunt.

Help me make green ink to write my mad letters

If vital supplies run short, we may not have enough green ink to write furious letters. So I intend to make my own from peas. Please join my ‘pea-ink volunteer corps’, crushing peas in vats and extracting the juice for 10 hours a day. There is no actual pay, but if you all line up for inspection like Wimbledon ball boys, I might deign to give you a curt nod.

Wave at things

As any Royal knows, there’s no work that is harder – or more rewarding – than waving at things. Today I waved at a lamp post for a full 45 minutes. I could tell it was appreciated.