Middle-class family camping in garden find even more middle-class family now lives in their house

A FAMILY camping in their extensive garden have discovered that a slightly higher-on-the-ladder middle-class family has occupied their house. 

The Shaws were camping out with their three children to teach them life skills they will never need when they noticed lights and activity in their Guildford five-bed detached.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I went to the back door and was politely blocked from entering by a woman in a Joseph dress who said brightly ‘Hello! Are you having fun in our garden?’

“I said it was my garden and my house, and she just tilted her head sympathetically, said ‘I don’t think so’ and offered me a gluten-free apple-filled cinnamon bun fresh from the oven.

“Without a house, camping is just sleeping rough. We’ve formed a drum circle around our campfire and are openly playing chess, but they practice business Mandarin at mealtimes and literally never laugh. So they win this round.

“Being too embarrassed to ask squatters to leave for fear of an awkward conversation as they brunch on our patio is perhaps the most middle-class thing that has ever happened to us.

“But if I can con them into thinking a family like theirs should really have a campervan, then we’ll sneak in while they’re in St Ives and reclaim the Aga that is rightfully ours.”

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When Britain claps it is excluding foreign NHS workers earning less than £25k pa, says Priti Patel

THE home secretary has confirmed that when the country comes together to clap for carers, they are tacitly excluding any foreign nationals below the £25,000 threshold. 

Following the passage of the points-based immigration bill which classes anyone earning below the threshold as ‘unskilled’, Priti Patel asserted that the applause was only ever for senior nurses, doctors or consultants.

She said: “If you are a non-British care worker, refuse collectors, porters or otherwise disposable, put your fingers in your ears at 8pm tomorrow. The clapping is not for you.

“As we have been at pains to make clear for the last decade low earners don’t really count as people, and therefore deserve sneering contempt instead of gratitude.

“Yes, currently they’re running our health service, supply chains, care homes and the rest while we’re fannying around with apps and graphs, but it’s a temporary aberration. They’re not of any worth long-term.

“So please ensure that your weekly tribute is only to the British-born or internationals claiming residence of £25k-plus quality, or you’ll be kicked out of the country too.”