The Mash guide to Prince Harry's stag night

THE full itinerary for Prince Harry’s stag night has been revealed, organised by best man and world’s biggest uber-toff tosser Hugh Alpha-McVitie.

It reads as follows:

6am: Meet in car park of Morrison’s, Cromwell Road to catch minibus. Sambuca shots.

8am: Flight. James Blunt sings You’re Beautiful to the plane. Absinthe shots.

11.30am: The boys load into an Apache AH1 helicopter piloted by the stag and fly over ISIS-controlled Syria to see how many bad guys they can bag. First 200 bullets per guest paid for, after that buy your own.

1pm: Helicopter crash. Half-hour wait just outside Raqqa for Uber.

1.30pm: RAF ‘black flight’ home with hooded prisoners under rendition. James Blunt sings all 35 verses of The Ballad of Eskimo Nell to the plane. Jet fuel shots.

3pm: Strip club.

4pm: Strip club.

5pm: Strip club.

5.45pm: Chosen stripper to become carrier of the Royal Bastard, in accordance with tradition and Game of Thrones.

9pm: Ministry of Sound ‘Garage Classix’ night. The Royal Necking of the E.

10pm: Builders construct a replica of Nottingham Cottage, Harry’s home at Kensington Palace, on the Ministry dancefloor for a Facetime call from Meghan Markle. Harry is propped in front of the screen while an impressionist, copying his voice perfectly, claims they have turned in early. Harry’s drooling mouth is made to move by Hollywood CGI experts for a cost of £5 million.

11pm: James Blunt sings Arise by Sepultura. Snake blood shots.

8am: An unconscious Harry is loaded into Queen Alexandra’s State Coach for the 874-mile horse-drawn journey to John o’ Groats. His naked body is then stuffed into the belly of a dead cow in a nod to Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back.

9am: Wedding.

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Woman doing make-up on train getting disapproving looks from man scratching his balls

A WOMAN applying make-up on a train is receiving moody stares from a man who has been scratching his balls throughout the journey.

Wayne Hayes has spent the 25-minute commute repeatedly raising his eyebrows and tutting at Mary Fisher between moments of rummaging in his groin like a zoo animal with lice.

He explained: “Look at her, trowelling it on. It’s disgusting and inappropriate.

“This train isn’t your bathroom, sweetheart. Some ladies need to learn the difference between public and private.”

Hayes then inserted his hand into his underpants once more, rearranging his genitals several times before wiping his hand on the seat next to him.  

Fisher said: “I just want to get my blusher done quickly so I can slather myself in hand sanitiser to ward off his gonad germs.”

Hayes was later seen eating a bag of cheese and onion McCoys on the train, using the same unwashed hand.