Princess Charlotte photo gazed at for less than allotted time

BRITAIN has been accused of staring adoringly at a new photograph of Princess Charlotte for less than the mandatory four minutes. 

Millions of UK citizens who should know their duty may have given the photo, released for the Princess’s second birthday, no more than a cursory glance.

A Palace spokesman said: “Oh, you’re busy? You think you’ve got more important things to be doing than gazing in simpering awe at the fourth in line to the throne?

“You pathetic pleb. Get your newspaper, centre that photo in your vision and contemplate her enchanting cuteness until you are specifically ordered to stop.

“She is cuter than your children. She is cuter than any children you will ever know. Memorise her cardigan, the haybale backdrop that sets off her winsomeness so perfectly, the blue bow in her hair.

“She is everything to you. You are nothing to her. This is how it will always be.”

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Yoga mat enters fifth year behind sofa

A YOGA mat has celebrated its fifth anniversary of being bought then stuck immediately behind the sofa. 

Donna Sheridan of Shrewsbury bought the mat in 2012 after reading that yoga calms the mind and connects you to thousands of years of spiritual tradition while also targeting bikini trouble zones.

She said: “I liked the sound of becoming centred and hot, and the mat was on offer on Amazon so it seemed as if it was meant to be.

“But then my trip to Tenerife came round so fast I hadn’t had time to start my new regime, and actually I was too off my face on cocktails to care how my arse looked anyway.

“For the first year I felt guilty, but the more time goes by, the more inner peace I feel about not using it. I don’t need to be a slave to my material possessions. In a way, not doing yoga has been quite yogic.”

Sheridan added: “But I’m not getting rid of it. You never know, I might still start doing yoga.”