Public Urges Ross And Morgan To Fight To The Death

THE vicious feud between Piers Morgan and Jonathan Ross could be settled by a very straightforward fight to the death, it was claimed last night.

As Morgan renewed his attack on the BBC chat show host, millions of people across Britain suggested a fighting pit, bare chests and a pair of short Roman swords known as gladioli.

Duelling expert Martin Bishop said: "The shortness of the sword will require them to fight at very close quarters giving each man a good chance of landing the mortal blow. Better still it will increase the chance of this happening simultaneously."

Members of the public fearful of either Morgan or Ross surviving the contest have called for the winner to take his chances against a trio of ravenous Bengal tigers or, failing that, a Chieftan tank.

Bishop added: "It's not what they would have done in the Coliseum, but it should round off the evening very nicely."

Morgan and Ross have exchanged a series of bitter insults with each accusing the other of having no talent, compared by some observers to Telly Savalas and Yul Brynner accusing each other of having no hair.

But retired primary school teacher Margaret Gerving, from Sussex, said: "Gentlemen, gentleman, please. Mr Morgan, you're clearly very upset with Mr Ross and Mr Ross you feel that Mr Morgan has treated you with insufficient grace.

"One can often lose control of one's emotions in such a highly-charged situation but let us at least attempt to get to the heart of this particular matter – you're both unbearable, talentless, overpaid cocksuckers and the fact you're successful makes me want to erase Britain from the map with 100,000 atomic bombs.

"Now get in the fucking pit."

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‘My Son Pushed His Willy Between His Legs And Pretended To Be A Girl’

AUTHOR Juliet Myerson last night stepped up her attack on estranged son Jake by revealing how he used to dance around naked with his penis between his thighs pretending to be Bonnie Langford.

Myerson threw her son out of the house aged 17 for using cannabis and then wrote it all down in a book described by one critic as ‘about as maternally affectionate as a pre-menstrual tarantula’.

She now hopes to finish him off with a combination of the Langford-inspired trans-sexual prancing and a doctored photograph of him holding a Daniel O’Donnell LP.

The author, who was recently cautioned after vandalising a local flyover with the message ‘Jake Myerson Sucks Goats For Cash’,  told the Guardian: “He’s an AIDS-riddled skunk monkey who likes baking, knitting and watching Murder She Wrote with his fairy-boys.”

The tradition of parent-child feuds in literary circles dates back to Chaucer, who dubbed his son Ian ‘a nancie boye both faire and true, who taketh it up the ers for a groat or twoe’.

But Jake Myerson has hit back telling the Daily Mail that his mother goes to the toilet on the kitchen floor and could start her own navy with the number of sailors who have been up her slipway.

He added: “I’m not that fussed, actually. I notice there’s a whole section in WH Smith written by people whose parents were utter shits.

“I’ll get some unemployed hack to ghost-write my version and spend the next 10 years munted as a twat. Result.”