CRUFTS, the world's biggest dog show, last night shrugged off recent controversies and went back to basics by awarding the top prize to one of those weird little dogs that looks like a deformed rodent.
This year's supreme champion is a Sealyham terrier, which is a four-way cross between a Philippine Forest Rat, an Australian Swamp Rat, a Jack Russell and a baked Alaska.
Charmin, short for Charmin Ultra-Strong Two-Ply Diamond Weave Toilet Paper, will now spend the next 12 months being relentlessly man-handled and photographed for reasons known only to its owner.
Crufts has had a turbulent year after a hard-hitting documentary about the inbreeding which leads to the sort of people who make their dogs compete in shows.
Tom Logan, managing director of petfood manufacturers YummyGravyDonkeyChunks, said: "I watched these people prancing about the ring and I thought 'have you really got nothing better to do? Because
I'll tell you what, the dog does'.
"We commissioned a study last year which showed that dogs were not terribly keen on being driven across the country in a crate for 12 hours before being felt up by a retired magistrate.
"All the available evidence suggests that pretty much the only thing a dog wants to do is run around a field eating a wide variety of faecal matter before throwing it up and eating it again."
An RSPCA spokesman said: "Why do they always give the prize to these weird, scary little mutants? What's wrong with a nice Labrador or a Spaniel with an ordinary name and nauseatingly disgusting character traits. Crufts is rubbish."