Jackson To Be Sold For Spares

MICHAEL Jackson's London concerts will be his last public appearances before he is broken down into his constituent parts and auctioned off for scrap, it has been confirmed.

The singer's mangement said the cost of repairing the 50 year-old had become prohibitive and that he had now been rendered obsolete by newer, more efficient pop stars.

Experts say the latest version of Pharell Williams can produce four times the amount of falsetto- based pop-funk but with fewer outward signs of total insanity.

Producer Quincy Jones has placed a $9m reserve bid on the singer's feet so he can finally learn how to moonwalk, while a Japanese businessman has bid an undisclosed sum for Jackson's hair, which will be placed in a private collection alongside Nat King Cole's larynx and the knees of James Brown.

Jackson will combine his O2 arena concerts with an enormous carboot sale, selling what is left of his unhinged, 35 year-long shopping spree.

The singer's spokesman said: "There's eight thousand bags of out-of-date monkey feed, a thirty foot statue of Macauley Culkin touching his toes and a lifesize watercolour portrait of Michael doing the 'Thriller' dance with the Elephant Man's skeleton."

Meanwhile queues are already forming outside the venue as hundreds of middle-aged virgins with self-printed Jackson t-shirts mill about, comparing buttock tattoos of the singer that look like someone wearing a 'Scream' mask and one of Elizabeth Talylor's old wigs.

An O2 spokesman said: "It's easily the biggest collection of obsessive fruit-loops to hit the UK since the funeral of Princess Diana."

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King Unveils Radical Plan To Fuck Britain Into Middle Of Next Week

BANK of England governor Mervyn King last night unveiled his latest radical plan to take Britain and fuck it squarely into the middle of next week.

Mr King and chancellor Alistair Darling agreed to increase the money supply after noticing how Britain was still not quite similar enough to Germany in 1932, or Zimbabwe this morning.

Mr King said: "Once we've laid the groundwork for hyper-inflation everything else should fall into place including the emergence of a strong, insane dictator, a nice new motorway network and our eventual annihilation."

Later today the government will release details of a scheme where people can hand in their wallets and purses in exchange for a shiny, new wheelbarrow to carry their money around in.

Across the country retailers are expected to soon begin pricing goods in wheelbarrows instead of pounds and pence. Newsagent WH Smith confirmed it will charge three and a half wheelbarrows for a can of Diet Fanta and a packet of Quavers.

Meanwhile economists are at odds over the new policy with some claiming it is pronounced 'quan-ti-ta-tive' while others have opted for the shorter, lazier 'quan-ta-tive'.

Dr Tom Booker, from Reading University, said: "It's the 'easing' bit that fascinates me. It makes it sound as if you're lowering yourself gently into a warm, soothing bath when in actual fact it's more like jumping head first into a swimming pool filled with spiders and glass."

He added: "What I'm particularly looking forward to is taking some news footage from this year and showing it in black and white alongside some film from Germany in the early Thirites to see if anyone can spot the difference.

"It'll be an amusing little game we can play when we're not murdering each other for a sausage roll."