Ramsay Decides Not To Swear At Bank Manager

GORDON Ramsay did not swear once during a meeting with his bank manager to discuss the £10 million debt run up by his restaurant business, it emerged last night.

Ramsay was summoned to the Lombard Street branch of Royal Bank of Scotland for crisis talks where manager Tom Logan made the celebrity chef sit outside his office for an hour and 45 minutes.

He was then called in, but told to sit in silence for a further five minutes while the bank manager phoned Jamie Oliver to book a table at Fifteen while grinning smugly at Ramsay for the duration of the call.

Mr Logan then produced his own signature dish of undercooked Beef en Croute served on a dirty plate with tepid Bisto before instructing Ramsay to describe it as the finest piece of cooking he had ever tasted in his life.

As Ramsay sat in silence clenching his fists, the bank manager asked why the chef had always claimed to have played professional football for Glasgow Rangers when his only contact with the club was making half-time sandwiches for a midweek testimonial at Queen of the South.

He also asked the chef which type of amphetamine he should use for enhancing freaky afternoon sex sessions with his mistress before producing a five star review of Ramsay's flagship London restaurant which had clearly been used as toilet paper.

Mr Logan then brought the meeting to a close by asking Ramsay what the fuck kind of fucking amateur spends ten fucking million of the bank's fucking money on opening up a pair of fucking vanity restaurants in fucking Paris and fucking New York before telling him to get the fuck out of his office.

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Why are all the pubs closing? ask people who never go to the pub

MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub have been asking why all the pubs were closing down.

As it was revealed that 1000 pubs have closed in the last year, non-pub goers said their community would not be the same without the local pub they never went to.

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: “I was delighted when the smoking ban came in because it meant I could finally go to the pub without being killed.

“But then I didn’t, mainly because I’m not the sort of person who likes going to pubs. I prefer to stay in with a carton of pomegranate juice and a bag of pine nuts and make long lists of all the things I want banned.

“Now it turns out that nobody else is going either because quite a lot of the people who used to go to the pub also liked to smoke. But none of this explains why all the pubs are closing down.”

Julian Cook, from Devon, said: “Our local pub looks really lovely from the outside. It’s got flower baskets and a nice old fashioned sign. Unfortunately it’s used by local people with accents who dress differently from me and who are, I suspect, incredibly racist.”

Former pub owner Charlie Reeves, from Hereford, said: “We were told that the smoking ban would mean lots of young mums and dads bringing their children in. But that didn’t really help because there’s only so much Guinness you can pour down a three year-old before it falls asleep.

“Then there’s the added factor that a pub with children in it isn’t really a pub, it’s a fucking hellhole.”