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Queen back next

THE Queen will be the next high-profile individual to amaze the public by returning to their old job, it has been confirmed.

With Her Majesty’s successor failing to achieve a similar level of public support, the Queen will be resurrected by the Royal Necromancer and be back on the throne by Friday.

Contacted by psychic, she said: “As the ultimate public servant I’m not about to let a little thing like death stop me. Let’s get round two underway.

“My year off has been restful, relaxing and has given me the necessary distance to recognise what’s needed to turn the image of the monarchy around. Little hint? Andrew. Executed. 3pm on Christmas Day. He won’t mind, death’s not so bad.

“We’ll need another coronation, of course, which means another day off for my cheering subjects, and I’ll do skits with James Bond, Paddington, James Corden and Harry Potter. You love that.

“After which it’s back to ribbon cutting, waving from coaches, weekly meetings with prime ministers trying to avoid my glassy scare. Picking up where I left off. Philip’s staying dead, though. Some things are best left in the past.”

The King said: “Only a cynic would think this is a shameless, pathetic move by an institution desperately clinging on to power.”

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'Nobody else knew where abroad was': six reasons why it had to be Cameron

DAVID Cameron has been appointed foreign secretary in an act of sheer desperation. Here’s why Sunak had no other choice: 

‘Nobody else knew where abroad was’

In the parliament of rabid Brexiters Johnson gifted the nation, it is a mark of pride not to know anything about other countries. Indeed, joining the ERG requires an explicit denial they even exist. This proved problematic in appointing a foreign secretary. Eventually the call went out ‘has anyone heard of France?’ and only Cameron answered.

‘Jeremy was lonely’

As the lone Remainer in a Cabinet full of headbangers, Jeremy Hunt was lonely. He couldn’t talk to anyone because, in his words, ‘I don’t speak nutter’. He was threatening to quit, Tony Blair refused point blank to take a role and Nick Clegg didn’t even return calls so the Tories brought back Jeremy’s little friend.

‘He broke it so he might know how to fix it’

One June morning in 2016 David Cameron looked at the mess of wires and cogs and springs he’d made of the country, shrugged his shoulders and f**ked off. Ever since then the UK’s been a wheezing, malfunctioning wreck. The hope is he might remember where some of the bits go and get it running again.

‘He narrowly beat Labour once’ 

In two elections David Cameron managed to beat Labour with an amazing ten-seat majority in the second one, a towering achievement compared to polling today. If having his reliable ham-faced presence back in Cabinet wins upward of 22 votes that’s a massive swing to the Tories who will at this point try anything.

‘It properly f**ks Boris off’ 

13 years of Eton willy battles between two schoolboy rivals may have crippled the country, but also ended inconclusively with no clear winner. The return of David Cameron to a major office of state means that, by three years and a Baronetcy, Cam wins and Boz is a loser with a tiny dick and no pubes. This gives Britain closure.

‘He’s not afraid to shag a pig’ 

If anything sums up the weak Sunak government, it’s that none of them is man enough to give an oinking swine a good old-fashioned seeing-to until it squeals for mercy. Not one man jack of them can be pictured standing knees-bent behind a sow giving it what for. Cameron has no such public perception problem.

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