THE Queen has officially announced that she cannot be arsed doing all that bollocks any more.
Her Majesty has placed her diary ‘under review’ and asked courtiers to politely inform the world that she has spent her entire life doing pointless bullshit and, aged 95, is done with it.
A Palace insider said: “She called in staff for a full formal review of diary engagements. Which in practice was a secretary going through a long list of events one by one while she said ‘f**k that’ to all of them.
“We’ve been asked to say she ‘accepts her frailties are catching up with her’ but when I suggested attendance at the Commonwealth Day service was vital, she advised me that she had ‘sat through 78 of the buggers and they’re dull as shit’.
“She has privately informed me that she can no longer be arsed knighting Tory business cronies or handing out OBEs to long-serving lollipop ladies, and that ‘parliament can open its f**king self from now on’.
“Her new diary includes, at her insistence, engagements such as ‘watching racing’, ‘taking afternoon nap’ and ‘avoiding Zoom call from Harry’. I am advised she may not even fulfil those.”
Queen Elizabeth II said: “It’s all bollocks and they can all piss off. Quiet. Midsomer Murders is on.”