WE may come across as aloof pricks, but we care about our owners. That’s why we always knock it out of the park with gifts:
A shit in a shoe
Humans are odd. They train us to shit in litter trays, only to then go and dig it up again! So, to save my owner Alan the hassle, I cut out the middleman and take a dump in his shoe so he can instantly find my stool when he’s rushing for work.
A live mouse
The look on their faces tells the whole story. And when Alan jumps for joy and shouts ‘f**king hell!’ I know he’s thrilled that I’ve caught him a rodent. Killing prey is the best bit, so I bring them home alive and struggling so Alan has the pleasure of finishing them off with a shovel in the garden himself.
Piss under their bed
I often worry that Alan is deprived of my comforting scent when he’s in his sleeping basket. So I treat him by unleashing a hot torrent of piss right under his bed. That way, I’ve infused the house with my musk and he’ll always be reminded of me, even in dreams.
A dead bird
When Alan visits his ex-wife to try to woo her back, he takes flowers and chocolates. Some gifts are classics for a reason. Dragging home the carcass of a squab, or other small bird, will always go down a treat. Why not hide it in their sock drawer for that added element of surprise?
Sit on them when they sleep
The bond between pet and owner is a special one, defined by tactility. So, to show your affection and appreciation, try resting on their face while they sleep? They may develop aggressive pink-eye from having your anus so close, but if you’ve spent all afternoon licking it they should be fine.