Your pet cat's guide to giving the perfect gift

WE may come across as aloof pricks, but we care about our owners. That’s why we always knock it out of the park with gifts: 

A shit in a shoe

Humans are odd. They train us to shit in litter trays, only to then go and dig it up again! So, to save my owner Alan the hassle, I cut out the middleman and take a dump in his shoe so he can instantly find my stool when he’s rushing for work.

A live mouse

The look on their faces tells the whole story. And when Alan jumps for joy and shouts ‘f**king hell!’ I know he’s thrilled that I’ve caught him a rodent. Killing prey is the best bit, so I bring them home alive and struggling so Alan has the pleasure of finishing them off with a shovel in the garden himself.

Piss under their bed

I often worry that Alan is deprived of my comforting scent when he’s in his sleeping basket. So I treat him by unleashing a hot torrent of piss right under his bed. That way, I’ve infused the house with my musk and he’ll always be reminded of me, even in dreams.

A dead bird

When Alan visits his ex-wife to try to woo her back, he takes flowers and chocolates. Some gifts are classics for a reason. Dragging home the carcass of a squab, or other small bird, will always go down a treat. Why not hide it in their sock drawer for that added element of surprise?

Sit on them when they sleep

The bond between pet and owner is a special one, defined by tactility. So, to show your affection and appreciation, try resting on their face while they sleep? They may develop aggressive pink-eye from having your anus so close, but if you’ve spent all afternoon licking it they should be fine.

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Serpico and Mutiny On The Buses: Five wildly incongruous 70s movie double-bills

THE 1970s were a great decade for cinema, and also a decade where cinemagoers clamoured for total shit. These double-bills truly reflect the period:

Serpico (1973) and Mutiny On The Buses (1972)

In Serpico, undercover cop Al Pacino is shot in the face while struggling to expose corruption in the NYPD. In Mutiny, Blakey is struggling to expose incompetence at the Luxton & District Motor Company when his van is crushed and the depot catches fire. Two stories so alike, with the whistleblower a hero in one and a villain in the other.

Last Tango In Paris (1972) and Confessions of a Driving Instructor (1976)

Sex and desire: the mysterious heart of the human experience. Are we reduced to animals by our lusts or elevated above them by eroticism? Is Marlon Brando engaging in anonymous sexual congress in a Parisian apartment really so different to Robin Askwith banging a woman so hard a Triumph Herald falls apart?

Stalker (1979) and Logan’s Run (1976)

Tarkovsky’s Stalker is a meditation on the alien both outside and inside us, a slow-paced exploration of how the human mind assimilates the truly inexplicable. Logan’s Run believes itself deep but is a cheap chase movie with a robot made of silver boxes. But Jenny Agutter wears a tiny see-though dress in Logan’s Run and Stalker is dull.

Jaws (1975) and Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World (1973)

There’s very little that’s scary about a shark as long as you follow one simple rule: don’t go in the f**king sea. Whereas an Old English sheepdog that’s rampaging around the countryside, still growing unstoppably, with the whole British military facing off against it? Truly the stuff of nightmares.

A Clockwork Orange (1971) and Meatballs (1979)

In both films, an outsider who challenges authority is taught to conform. In both, the audience is forced to consider the violent costs of enforcing society’s laws. In the former it’s achieved by clamping eyelids open in front of footage of dental surgery; in the latter, Bill Murray makes out with a hot girl at camp. Which would you rather watch?