Monday, 19th April 2021

'Queen nice, rest of them arseholes': the key points from Meghan's interview

THE Duchess of Sussex has confirmed that, exactly as Britain already believed, the Queen is nice and the rest of the Royals suck. What did she say? 

Her Majesty a nice old lady

As ever, Elizabeth II has emerged from the whole affair in credit as a pleasant nonagerian who likes dogs, flowers and children. The Sex Pistols’ claim that ‘she ain’t no human being’ has been comprehensively disproven. Though it is possible that she only seems nice in contrast to the rest.

The rest of them are bastards

In days gone by, royals would poison each other, order executions, raise armies against each other and have rivals imprisoned for life. Hardly surprising that centuries of inbreeding have only heightened these instincts, but they’re not allowed anymore so they have to get the tabloids to do it for them.

Meghan doesn’t understand irony

There can be absolutely no doubt that the flowers and apology Meghan received from Kate before her wedding were accompanied by a cuttingly polite and entirely insincere note that should have left the bride-to-be in shreds. However she took the gesture at face value and believed it was genuine. How American can you get?

Charles and Harry aren’t speaking

Your divorced dad, who cheated on your mum loads then used his connections to smear her and keep all his cash and houses, isn’t speaking to you because he doesn’t like the way your wife behaves. Any child of divorce will find this entirely unsurprising, and cannot imagine Harry is missing those calls about ‘bloody modern architecture’ one bit.

Someone called Tyler Perry is involved

Harry and Meghan have fled white British royalty straight into the arms of black British royalty, staying at the California house of Tyler Perry and being interviewed by Oprah. They’re just as rich as our Royals but have even more control over the media because they own chunks of it. F**k no, Harry and Meghan are never coming back.

Meghan is expecting a girl

Meghan is pregnant! Of course, this was announced a month ago but you’d be forgiven for having forgotten entirely, given the vicious, vitriolic roasting she’s received recently. Compare with Rebekah Vardy, who we were repeatedly told should be treated with kid gloves while with child. Wonder what the crucial difference between them is?