Monday, 19th April 2021

Cast Away 2: Wilson's Odyssey, and other movie sequels that should have been

EVER wondered what happened to Wilson, the real star of Cast Away? Here are the movie sequels audiences were crying out for: 

Cast Away 2: Wilson’s Odyssey

Finally shaking off that FedEx loser after four excruciating years, Wilson – whose inner monologue is voiced by Robert DeNiro – wanders the earth righting wrongs, solving crimes and hooking up with beautiful women. In the heartbreaking final scene, he wins a basketball game with underprivileged inner city kids when loser Hanks spots him and captures him again.

The Second Italian Job

Michael Caine’s just figuring out how to get the gold when the England football team, returning from the match in Turin, turn up and cheerily help rescue it. But the acting of Bobby Moore, Norman Hunter and Franny Lee is so terrible the film is a bomb with the same legendary status as Escape to Victory.

Withnail and II

The death of Uncle Monty sees Withnail inherit his Cumbrian cottage, move up there and begin a new career as a fish-out-of-water detective solving Lake District murders, first in a movie and then in a Channel 5 series, with his unnamed friend as sidekick. They still drink heavily but all in a very cosy, Wednesday-9pm way.

Groundhog Day 2: I’ve Spent 10,000 Years With Andie MacDowell And Can’t Bear Another Minute

After spending 100 lifetimes trapped in Punxsutawney courting Andie MacDowell, accomplished polymath Phil Connors escapes, spends about five days with her and then runs off screaming to have sex with all the other women in the world instead.

Star Wars: Let’s Just All Chill

Instead of fighting the First Order and a resurrected Emperor and all that other bollocks that was never explained and made no sense, a sequel to the original trilogy shows all the characters kicking back, drinking brews and shooting the shit. Artoo tells a hilarious anecdote about what medical droid FX-7 was like in bed.