Key in front door substantially increases the need to have a piss

PLACING a key in your front door increases the risk of pissing yourself by up to 97 per cent, experts have found.

Research by the Institute for Studies has also found that unlocking the door and placing one foot inside the house makes having an accident a further 20 per cent more likely.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most people can’t even look at their front door without their bladder suddenly feeling uncomfortably full. But it’s when the key is turned that things get really urgent.

“If they fumble for a moment, it’s game over and the urine starts seeping out. That’s why most people have doormats, despite what they claim about using them to brush their feet.”

Helen Archer said: “One day the neighbour started chatting to me as I was trying to unlock the door and I felt wee start to dribble down my leg.

“I panicked and told him my waters had broken. Better for him to think I’m having a miracle baby at the age of 54 than pissing myself in the porch.

“I’m now looking into hiring a portaloo for my doorstep.”

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Five ways to survive Monday's 'school run to end all school runs'

AFTER months of homeschooling, tomorrow’s return to class is bound to begin with absolute carnage. Here are some tips on how to get through it in one piece.

Do your revision

If you think the traffic is usually bad, just imagine how awful it will be tomorrow. Expect a demolition derby of fraught parents desperately trying not to spend one second longer with their progeny. To make sure you too are driving aggressively enough, watch Mad Max: Fury Road first. The perfect mix of careless driving and apocalyptic imagery.

Pretend to be the police

Cut through the school traffic with all the confidence of someone who has just bought an unofficial blue flashing light on Amazon Prime. It might get you get a six-month jail term, but that will feel like a holiday camp after what you’ve just been through in lockdown 3.

Go early

While all the other idiots are still in bed, why not bring forward your schedule by several hours? Make their packed lunches at midnight, uniforms on at 4am and drop them off whilst it’s still dark. You’ll soon be home for those well-earned pre-dawn pina coladas.

Think outside the box

With the school run, it pays to get creative, so why not take a practice drive to the school? And while you’re there, use traffic cones to secure a parking space in advance. Or even better, take some white emulsion and paint yourself a crude private parking space, right outside the front gates.

Visualise

A trick used by top sports stars to achieve their goals. Take a quiet moment today to close your eyes and visualise the school run. The car key turning in the ignition, giving lollipop man a wanker sign, the inevitable prang in the car park and, finally, head butting a science teacher for ‘driving like a f**knut’.

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