Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to improvise a school uniform when none of it fits any more

HAS it been so long since your children physically went to school that none of their uniform fits? Here’s how to improvise in a panic on Monday morning.

Paint a pair of trainers black

The shops are shut so a last-minute dash to Clarks is impossible. Instead, embrace the ‘make do and mend’ spirit of lockdown by slathering a pair of white trainers in black emulsion. Your kid will attract bullies because they smell weird but that will just toughen them up.


Thanks to all that perpetual growing, children go through uniforms incredibly quickly so you should have a few old, too-small ones to hand. Stitch them all together to form a patchwork affair that you think has a charming Technicolour Dreamcoat aesthetic but is actually more Frankenstein.

Say you got confused about the date of World Book Day

World Book Day was last week and technically Superman is from a comic rather than a great literary work, but at least they’re fully dressed and at school. If a teacher complains, angrily demand to know why they’re so intent on shutting down your child’s right to self-expression.

Claim your kids have got a new dry cough

If all else fails, blame Covid. Yes, you’ll shut the school down for another fortnight but at least it will give you and all the other parents the chance to pop down to the big Tesco and get the children properly kitted out.

Just send them in their bathrobes

Let’s face it, it’s pretty much all the kids have known for the last six months. It’s going to be the path of least resistance. Say it’s for their wellbeing, wear yours too, and then dare anyone to make a comment.