Woman following rigorous vaping routine

A WOMAN is getting through lockdown by following a rigorous and exhausting daily vaping routine. 

Joanna Kramer begins vaping first thing in the morning, before she has even got out of bed, and does not quit, no matter what, until she is ready to drop.

She said: “Vaping’s not for the casual puffer, not these days. It’s for those who want to take their nicotine dependence to the next level.

“I have two vapes on the go at all times; one charging, one on hand. I bulk-order fluid so there’s no danger of running out.

“I don’t get complacent. If I go 10 minutes without being enveloped in sweet-smelling clouds of narcotic gas, I’m going for my vape like a cowboy going for his gun.

“This ain’t smoking. Vaping is safe, cool and socially acceptable. There’s no reason not to be vaping every minute of the day, and I honestly find it hard to respect people who don’t.

“I guess maybe if you’re lazy and unmotivated, and want to come out of the other end of lockdown without a debilitating chemical addiction? Whatever, losers. I’ll be vaping.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman to dump man who snaps spaghetti in half before cooking it

A WOMAN who watched her boyfriend snap spaghetti in half before putting it in the pan is wondering how else he will turn out to be a monstrous philistine.

Lucy Parry had previously thought Oliver O’Connor was shaping up to be the perfect boyfriend until witnessing him break the pasta up into manageable pieces like a small child.

Parry said: “I had high hopes for Oliver but when I saw him doing that I started having second thoughts. How hard is it to twist the pasta and let it fall elegantly into the pan?

“Eat some penne if it’s that hard to twist it around your fork. Or fusilli, which has already been twisted for you, you useless man-baby.

“What next? Am I going to find out he still sucks his thumb? Or jumps into bed to make sure the monsters don’t get him? He probably doesn’t, but I don’t want a completely unsophisticated pleb of a boyfriend.”

O’Connor said: “I eat spaghetti hoops when I’m on my own.”