Queen to confirm she is immortal

THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.

The monarch will tell Britain that she has developed a condition known as Methuselah Syndrome, caused by generations of grotesque inbreeding and being immensely wealthy.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Beyond immortality, sufferers can lead a perfectly normal life.

“With the right emotional support and a steady diet, the Queen should remain healthy at least until the universe begins to contract and conditions become unsuitable for existence as we know it.

“Beyond that she’ll just float about in an infinite bubble of nothingness.”

Her Majesty will also confirm that Prince Charles has inherited the syndrome and will therefore get to watch her be Queen forever.


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Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

Ready to fight anyone who says Mariah Carey isn’t a Christmas carol

The mob, which began at a pub in Birmingham at 11.30pm last night, has so far visited 65 empty churches, 18 primary schools, nine distribution warehouses, six hospital wards, the House of Commons and hangar 89 of Luton Airport in their fruitless search.

Bystander Donna Sheridan said: “I’d only had a few Baileys when they swept past me, dragging me in their wake, singing the first verse of ‘The Holly And The Ivy’ over and over again.

“I don’t know what came over me. Suddenly I was as deranged as them, screaming ‘Good King Wenceslas’ like a banshee at frightened passers-by, telling a man in a black coat that if he wasn’t a priest I’d glass him.

“I wandered with them for hours, our massed voices shattering windows with the loud bit in ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’, until they lost me when I was pissing in a doorway.”

Detective Inspector Tom Booker said: “The mob, currently believed to be somewhere near Coventry, will not rest until its insatiable need to sing the proper words of ‘We Three Kings’ has been quenched.

“Unfortunately most churches they stumble into have already been converted to Wetherspoons, and when they did happen upon a carol service it was during the sermon so they looted the Christingles and left.”