Rabbit thanks Hefner for making him look like some sort of sex god

A RABBIT has thanked Hugh Hefner for making people think he is a sex symbol, not just a boring herbivore.

Rabbit Roy Hobbs said: “Before the Playboy logo, people had a much more mundane image of rabbits as slightly manky-looking brown things that amble around eating vegetation.

“And to be honest, that is quite accurate. For example I’ve spent this morning squatting in a field nibbling at grass and occasionally looking startled.

“But thanks to Hugh, the world associates rabbits with high-class orgies, cocktails, celebrity breasts and driving around really fast in sports cars.

“While in reality I am very shy. It comes with being quite low in the food chain.”

He added: “Maybe one day I’ll have a rabbit version of the Playboy Mansion. Basically a massive sex burrow with hot and cold running carrots.”

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Kid born in 2003 driving a f**king car

A BABY born well after the turn of the millennium is old enough to drive a fucking car, it has emerged. 

The child, a cousin’s son who can in no way be that age, maintains he is not only old enough to have had lessons but to have passed them and then bought his own vehicle.

Nathan Muir said: “He can’t be. Maybe a motorbike, or a three-wheeler. Not a car.

“What’s it going to say on his driving licence, double-O? Like James fucking Bond?

“These 90s kids are bad enough, but Britpop to him is, I dunno, like Noggin the Nog was to me. People say it happened but you don’t necessarily believe them and you’re certainly not interested.

“Does it mean you’re ancient, then, if you’ve got a 19 in front of your birthday? Are we like all those Victorian bastards who you wished would piss off after the wars?

“Shit car though. What? Four thousand quid for insurance? None of these numbers make sense.”