I'm basically Adele now, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has told the Labour party conference he is such a mainstream, safe choice that he is basically Adele. 

The Labour leader admitted that while he spent years being cool and edgy, he has now sold out to reach a mass audience and has been well rewarded for it.

He continued: “I’m on Radio 1 for the young people. I’m on Radio 2 for the old people. Even your granny likes me.

“I do Glastonbury, I do stadium gigs, I’ve blanded down my style until it’s so inoffensive it’s acceptable everywhere, and the next album cycle is going to be absolutely massive.

“If Theresa May wants to be Radiohead, trying to drag everyone along with her new direction even though they wish she’d just play the old stuff, that’s up to her.

“But I am Adele now, I am the nation’s favourite, and I am doing nothing but churning out the same middle-of-the-road crap for the next five years, and you’ll love me for it.”

The speech received a rapturous reception from Labour delegates, who chanted ‘Oh Jer-emy Cor-byn,’ for minutes until he returned to the stage and did a ballad.

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New survey confirms existence of sex

SEX, it has been confirmed.

A new nationwide survey has found that sex exists, and that people are having sex in sexual ways.

Sex analyst Dr Susan Traherne said: “Sex.”

The scientific research has prompted calls for more photographs of people pretending to have sex.

Sex fan Wayne Hayes said: “It’s good to know that sex is going on. I like sex. My partner and I do it, I’m like ‘uh uh’ and she’s going ‘yeah’.”

Hayes’s sex partner Mary Fisher said: “We have a box full of sex toys, just for sex. It’s called our ‘sex box’.

“We are uninhibited.”

Dr Traherne said: “Our study found that one of the most popular ways of initiating sex is for two people to take all their clothes off, including their pants, so that they are naked all over.”

She added: “Why not have sex today?”