Trump’s tweets to become erudite discourses of political philosophy

THE NEW 280-character tweets will enable President Trump to discuss his political ideology and the economic ideas underpinning it at proper length. 

Trump admitted that he had been tailoring his messages to fit 140 characters and that in doing so, the considered nuances of his reflections had been lost.

He continued: “Twitter is a matchless mass communication medium, an imaginarium of the ether beyond theorist Marshall McLuhan’s late-stage capitalism conception, but you can’t express that in 140 characters.

“By the time I’ve typed Alexis de Tocqueville’s full name in, outlining his foundational influence on American democracy is impossible, so I have to tweet ‘@CNN is #FakeNews. Just reported COS (John Kelly) was opposed to my stance on NFL players disrespecting FLAG, ANTHEM, COUNTRY. Total lie!’ instead.

“Finally I’m liberated to impress on the people of this shining city on a hill the full breadth of my learning, delineating fully why Ludwig von Mises’s theories of praexology guide my stewardship of this sundered nation.”

Trump’s next tweet read: “Cheatin’ Kristen Stewart has made a BIG MISTAKE with new hair! Unattractive, ratings of movies tanking – DROP HER, Hollywood! Bad! #MAGA”

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Posh family devastated by bad Airbnb review

A POSH North London family have been left devastated by a poor review from their Airbnb host. 

The Hackney-based Johnson-Thompson family spent a week having an authentic cottage experience in the Yorkshire dales, but were dismayed by negative feedback on the site which highlighted their annoying personalities. 

Parents Lou-Lou and Tom were joined on the break by home-schooled gobshite children Daisy, Kasper and Marley.

Lou-Lou said: “Apparently the locals said they were ‘terrorised’ by our kids, who were merely asking them interesting questions about bull semen and indulging their natural curiosity.

“They also complained about us smoking marijuana in the garden while having a world music sing-along, which seems a very provincial outlook.”

Tom did, however, concede that bringing his son’s gerbil was a mistake after it escaped and was run over by a tractor.

He added: “The hosts were also very ungrateful for our gifts: we installed several calming wind chimes, left them our own sourdough starter and a coffee table book of Japanese fetish art, which they described in the review as ‘utter filth’.”

The Johnson-Thompson’s are now concerned their plans to rent a gite in the south of France later this year will be hampered by the feedback.

Host Wayne Hayes said: “We have a word for these folk in Yorkshire dialect, we call them wankers.”