Nobody wants to tell Corbyn election isn't for years

LABOUR MPs are reluctant to tell ‘ready to govern’ Jeremy Corbyn that it is five years until the next election. 

The 68-year-old, who will proclaim that he is basically prime minister at today’s Labour conference, apparently asks aides to ‘nip out and check’ if the government has collapsed roughly every half-hour.

An insider said: “It’s only two years since he was less famous than the bassist of the Kaiser Chiefs, so he’s used to stuff happening fast.

“But when we broach the idea he might have to wait until 2022 to take power he just does that affronted owl face he does for photographers, then carries on picking new curtains for Downing Street.

“Technically he is on the ‘threshold of power’, like he says in the speech. But I don’t think he’s considered that the Tories might just not answer the fucking door.”

Corbyn said: “This is worse than when I knew I’d got Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book for Christmas but I wasn’t allowed to open it until the big day.

“Maybe if I close my eyes and clench my fists and hold my breath, I’ll be prime minister by the time I open them! Please. Please.”

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BBC announces 'ultimate programme' about cakes having angry sex

A NEW BBC series about delicious cakes having angry sex with each other has been hailed as the ultimate televised entertainment.

Doctor Baker: Cakes and Shagging is a new cake-based drama about a professional, attractive sponge cake called Judy who is happily married to a freshly-baked apple pie called Gerald that runs its own legal company.

But their aspirational lifestyle falls apart when Gerald the pie comes home covered in cream, possibly from getting off with a slutty Greggs custard slice that lives on a council estate.

A BBC spokesman said: “Imagine you’re got the seemingly perfect partner, a big house and a fancy sports type car, and you’re a delicious cake.

“Then some other cake comes along, a massive oblong of fake custard who’s way below your cake income bracket, and temptation gives way to angry cakes having a cake shag.

“If you don’t want to watch this you don’t deserve to have eyes.”