Biscuits violently prejudiced against Jaffa Cakes

BISCUITS have responded triumphantly to the news that packets of the hated Jaffa Cakes will now be smaller.

Proper, no-nonsense biscuits, who have long resented sharing shelf space with the orange-sponge-chocolate creations, are looking forward to a well-deserved public backlash and possibly even a ban.

Tom Booker, a plain chocolate Hobnob, said: “They aren’t biscuits. They don’t crunch like biscuits, they don’t behave like biscuits, and they went running to the courts to prove it.

“But still they hang around here, acting like they’ve every right to be treated as an elevenses favourite like the rest of us. Do you even dunk, bro?

“Now there’s only ten of them they’re asking to be considered alongside the prestige biscuits, like the thick, crumbly chocolate chip cookies, and boy do they not measure up.

“These VAT-dodging twats are headed for the dustbin of history, and the kitchen. And by the way, they’ve never been anywhere near an actual orange.”

A Jaffa Cake said: “Hey. It’s not the size of the packet. It’s what’s inside that counts.

“And Hobnobs are like chewing on a chunk of old MDF.”

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Tories unveil brilliant 'Porridge for Breakfast' policy

THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast. 

The policy, which will be unveiled at the Conservative party conference next week, will mandate a breakfast of porridge for any British citizen between the ages of nine months and 90 and include tax breaks.

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “Whenever people in poverty aren’t managing their money correctly, our answer is always that they should have a big pot of porridge.

“Likewise, whenever millennials complain about unpaid internships and unaffordable housing, it’s clear that they’ve been spending too much on avocados and fancy coffee and not enough on good, simple porridge.

“From November, every Briton will begin the day with a big steaming bowl of porridge by penalty of law, then they’ll be fortified for whatever life has in store be it Brexit, redundancy, homelessness or the workhouse.

“We won’t need an NHS once everyone’s on the oats, we’re securing stockpiles of it for when alternative food is more or less unavailable, and it will help us win the war.”

Hunt added: “Finally everyone knows what the Tories stand for. This is a triumph.”