Labour conference is a far-right invasion, says Brighton

BRIGHTON residents are horrified at the extreme right-wing views of Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour party, it has emerged.

Locals have taken to the streets in mass protest at a party so terrifyingly fascist that it is led by a straight white man with facial hair, just like the Nazis were. 

Vegan cafe proprietor Eleanor Shaw said: “They’re holding a rally here where they are debating the idea of giving people a fixed basic income. As if it were possible there were two sides in that debate. 

“They’re hideously white, they still believe in the genocidal colonialist idea of nation-states, and they’re thoroughly capitalist. One of them tried to buy a coffee with money. It triggered one of Geoff’s episodes. 

“I thought we’d beaten these monsters back in Castlemorton in 1992, but it seems they’ve lit their torches again and the far-right is on the march. Well not here. 

“We shall fight them on the naturist beach, we shall fight them in the aromatherapist and bubble tea shops, we shall fight them in the gay clubs, and we will take self-care breaks when necessary.”  

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Cat thinks 'missing cat' poster is some sort of weird pin-up

A CAT has been left confused by a ‘lost cat’ poster because the cat in it is quite hot.

Cat Wayne Hayes noticed posters appearing on lamp posts in his territory, headed ‘Help us find Rainbow – is she in your shed?’ with a picture of an attractive black and white cat underneath.

He said: “Although I cannot read, I know a good-looking cat when I see one.

“I can only assume that it’s some sort of Playboy-type pin-up – after all, the cat is fully naked – or that this hot female cat is touting herself for modelling work.

“Either way, it’s certainly brightened up my day. Hubba hubba.”