Rees-Mogg mistakes Mark E Smith for Manchester street urchin

JACOB Rees-Mogg is to adopt Fall frontman Mark E Smith after mistaking him for a Manchester street urchin, it has emerged.

As he left the Tory conference in his limousine, Rees-Mogg saw the post-punk icon staggering past and assumed he was a malnourished slum child dizzy from hunger.

Rees-Mogg said: “The poor mite was in such a wretched state that I instructed my driver to take him home in the Bentley, so that Nanny could give him a slice of blood sausage and a good scrub with some carbolic soap.

“His parents probably died in a mill accident or of rickets, thus it falls to me to raise him as my own. Henceforth, young Marcus will want for nothing and starts at Eton next term.

“He’s a strange child, always singing shouty little ‘songs’ he makes up himself, or stealing cooking sherry from the pantry.

“Marcus says he’s writing a popular music LP with the peculiar title Liminal Barcode Atrocity. It’s charming but I think we’ll get him started on the French horn instead.”

Smith said: “I’ll smash my way out of here if I have to, but not today because I’d rather hoped pater and I might take cream tea together.”

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Family pet did not sign up for this 'guard dog' shit

A LABRADOR was shocked to discover he is expected to be a professional security guard as well as a lovable family pet.

Friendly dog Bobby became alarmed after hearing his owners clearly state that as well as being ‘great for the kids’ he would ‘tackle any intruders’.

Bobby said: “I was like, ‘whoa, let’s rewind that’. I thought my job was to chase balls and get fussed over. No one said anything about going toe-to-toe with hardened criminals.

“This definitely wasn’t mentioned when they chose me at the kennels and I’ve not even been issued with basic equipment like a torch and a radio.

“I’ve had no unarmed combat training and a burglar could be a young, fit guy with a history of violence. He might have a knife, or at least a screwdriver. Christ, I feel a bit sick now.”

Bobby added: “I tried to explain I needed some form of personal protection, ideally a taser, but they didn’t understand and just gave me a chew that promotes dental health.

“If someone breaks in I’ll hide in a bedroom and try to dial 999 with my nose. That’s not being a coward, it’s just following police advice. You can replace a Macbook, but you can’t replace a dog.”

Bobby’s owners later discussed the very low risk of crime in their area, but he was in the utility room having nightmares about a wiry, tattooed man with a working class accent.